


Joker and Harley are Coming to Town

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Holidays [22]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Presents, Christmas Smut, Christmas Tree, F/M, Joker Venom (DCU), Joker on Henchpeople violence, Mall Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus - Freeform, No abuse, Reindeer, Santa's Elves, Santa's Helpers, Trains, Visiting Santa Claus, gingerbread, nonabusive Joker and Harley Quinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:53:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27817111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Harley convincing Joker to take the gang to see Santa at Santa's Village.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Gotham Holidays [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/603136
Comments: 15
Kudos: 33





	1. A Christmas Idea

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rabekka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabekka/gifts).



Christmas Eve in Gotham. 

The living room of Joker and Harley’s private rooms was dripping with Christmas, with a large tree in the corner, Christmas lights strung everywhere that Harley could hang them, along with sparkling red and purple garland, candy canes, and some cut-out images of the Coke a Cola Santa stuck to the wall, as well as a dozen other little Christmas touches that all sparkled in the room’s light. 

Prancing into the living room of their private rooms above the main hideout, Harley hurried over to where Joker (wearing only a pair of his purple slacks and a white sleeveless shirt), Frost (in his usual suit but the tie was loose), Bob (wearing a red and green tutu over green sweatpants and an ugly Christmas sweater that had two kissing reindeer on the front, and who had been wearing Christmas sweaters since November first), and Archie (who was dressed in his usual clown outfit, except for the season Bob had removed his pointed clown hat and added a pair of stuff reindeer antlers to his head that had tiny silver bells that jingled every time he moved), were all lined up sitting on the couch which was straining against the extra weight. Bob sat in the middle to provide balance as they watched Dancing with the Stars. 

This version of the show was actually a Dancing with the Stars charity special. It was a Christmas charity event featuring some celebrities who weren’t all movie stars, such as Bruce Wayne and Commissioner Gordon, Lex Luthor and Lois Lane were there representing Metropolis, as well as a few other people that Harley didn’t know or care about. They were raising money for a children’s charity, which was why they were not running down to the studio to burst in on the action, even with as angry as Joker was that he hadn’t been invited. 

Messing with children was never funny. 

Joker watched the screen with a narrow eyed gaze, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees, and a deep frown on his pale face. He still felt angry that he hadn’t been invited to participate. 

“Puddin! How do you like my Christmas outfit?” Harley pranced between the television and Joker. She spun around showing off the dress. “Bob made it!” she pronounced. The dress was a very short, sleeveless red velvet dress trimmed with black ruffles and with layers of bright, snow white organza underneath the skirt so that the entire skirt puffed out around her almost like a tutu and bounced with her every movement. The tube top portion of the dress was gathered making it look almost like ribbons, and around Harley’s waist was a bright red and white polka dot bow. The skirt of the dress was decorated with embroidered candy canes, ribbon presents, and Christmas trees. She had on a pair of black fishnet stockings with a garter belt (the dress was short enough that her garters showed and she was wearing a pair of red velvet panties to match the dress. The boots she had on with the dress were combat-style boots, one red, one black, each with the opposing color sock rolled down at the top of the boots. Her golden blonde hair was pulled up into two space buns on the top of her head with tiny rhinestone candy cane hair pins in each bun. 

“Poo!! Bruce Wayne just came on!” Joker mentioned frantically with his hands at her to move out of the way. 

Harley narrowed her eyes dangerously for a long moment, glaring at her puddin, but quickly decided not to get angry with him. He was just upset. Bruce Wayne really got under her puddin’s skin, for reasons neither one of them understood. Yeah he was a handsome rich boy, but other than that he was boring, but just seeing his face almost always made her puddin angry. She was just surprised they’d never just gone and blown his mansion up. Probably because it was more fun to torture Bruce Wayne with their unexpected crimes that were focused solely on him? Either way Bruce Wayne pissed him off, and Bruce Wayne dancing pissed Mistah J off even more. 

Harley supposed Bruce Wayne was a confident dancer, maybe even a little good at it, but her puddin was a millions more elegant and more attractive. He could dance rings around Bruce Wayne, but the fact remained that Joker felt upset about the dancing show. Which meant she needed to come up with a fun idea to get his mind off the show. 

“Look at him!!” Joker gestured angrily at the screen. “He can’t even do a proper Promenade Step!!” He gestured at the screen as if anyone but him knew what he was talking about. 

Joker folded his arms over his chest and let himself fall back against the couch with an impressive pout on his red lips. 

Frost shrugged. “I think Lex Luthor is a better dancer than Wayne.” 

Joker muttered glaring over at Frost who sat on his right, their shoulders touching. “Lex, Shiny Dome, Luthor can’t do a corte-to-fan so your opinion is suspect.” 

Frost pursed his lips and turned back to watching the screen. 

Archie muttered. “They all look like prancing monkeys, if you ask me.” 

Joker sat up and leaned over to gesture at Archie who sat on the other side of Bob to Joker’s left on the couch. “Exactly!!! They’re all monkeys...Now if I was on there with Harley, people would be throwing money at the screen.” He grinned and sat back again. “The world wouldn't be able to handle seeing me dance. It’s why I never went professional, and the world of dance is so cut throat, much too violent for me, and some of them are crazy.” Joker looked between Bob and Frost looking very serious. “I mean have you two seen The Black Swan? That was some crazy shit.” Chuckling 

Joker slumped down to glare at the TV. “Nope, the world of dance was much too wild and crazy for me. Besides, they weren’t ready to see me in a pair of tights.” He snickered pleased with himself and his story. 

Harley had moved into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of egg nog. She’d almost taken the carton out and drank straight from it (her puddin hated it when she did that even though she’d caught him doing the same thing more than once), but instead she poured herself a glass and turned around to lean on the counter watching them, still a little miffed Joker hadn’t noticed her new Christmas dress. As she stood there brooding, trying to think of something that would make Joker smile instead of watching that stupid show, a slow grin manifested on her face. She knew just the thing to draw her puddin’s attention away from that stupid dance competition. 

Setting her cup down, Harley flounced over to stand next to Frost. Frost looked over at Harley in confusion when she sat on the arm of the chair and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. Nuts, she’s up to something, Frost thought with a little bit of panic. 

“You know what I found out today?” she asked the room, but Frost knew she was asking Joker. Nobody answered though everyone, except Joker, looked over at her curiously. 

“I found out that Santa’s Village is back at the Diamond Center One Mall here in Gotham after being gone for five years.” Harley looked at her nails while she crossed her leg and leaned on Frost. “I remember the last time we went to Santa’s Village, that was--I think five years ago?” Harley muttered loudly to herself. 

She sensed movement and glanced over to see Joker had turned to her, his eyes bright. “Santa’s Village is back? Are you sure about this pumpkin?” 

Harley giggled. She had him hooked. “I am. It’s back.” 

Joker giggled and started to wiggle with excitement. “REALLY, I thought after last time they would never bring it back!” 

Harley smirked happily. “You know Gothamites have short memories!” 

Joker jumped to his feet. “We’re going on a little family outing!! Get the clowns together Frost and Bob!! We are going to Santa’s Village!!” 

When Bob jumped up, both Frost and Archie were flung from the couch, but the big man didn’t notice as he was clapping his hands. 

Frost paled, muttering to himself. “Not Santa’s Village…” 

He remembered the last time Santa’s village had been up at the mall, The Boss and Miss Quinn had destroyed the place, set off several fireworks that caught Santa’s house on fire, (which also burned down the mall Christmas tree and a few plastic candy canes before the sprinklers kicked in.) They had left the fake snowmen displayed in obscene postures (as well as several fake Santa’s elf mannequins.) The two of them put one of the hench people in a Santa suit (his name was Jimmy and he had been a dumbass his entire career with Joker, all of two days worth), stuffed him into the little chimney that was part of Santa’s house, where he suffocated despite The Boss and Miss Quinn loudly cheering him on and telling him if Santa could get through a chimney of course he could. Jimmy also burned when the Boss and Miss Quinn caught the little house on fire, so the cops found a burnt and crispy Santa. 

It was after that incident that the city of Gotham had decided not to have another Santa’s Village, until now… 

Joker gasped. “If we move quickly, we can get there before the mall closes and see Santa!!” 

Harley jumped up and down, clapping her hands. “Yes!!! We can sit on his lap!” 

“Last time Santa died of a heart attack.” Joker turned to glance over at Archie. “I guess the sight of us was too much. Hopefully they got a Santa with a stronger heart.” 

Frost frowned. He’d forgotten about the original Santa, poor guy got one look at the Boss and Miss Quinn when they entered the little house, and he’d died on the spot. They’d dragged his body out and set him up in the front of the little Christmas train and sent the train rolling around on its tracks around the Christmas tree before they burned it. Joker giggled with glee. “I need to dress!” He stopped on his way to the bedroom to turn and look at Harley. “You stay in that, you look perfect pumpkin.” He waggled his eyebrows at her. “I’ll have to go petticoat exploring later.” He blew her a kiss and hopped away. 

Harley grinned broadly, grabbing Joker’s invisible kiss out of the air while looking smug. 

* 

Three SUVs pulled into the mall parking lot as a light snow fell from the evening sky, parking near the front. This late in the evening the mall wasn’t full. The three SUVs were decorated to look as if they had hit one of Santa’s reindeer, complete with bells, ribbons, and sparkly garland. 

The back door to one of the SUVs flung open. Joker jumped out and threw his arms into the air. He wore an ankle-length crimson coat with a thick white faux fur collar that was so fluffy Harley wanted to run her fingers through it. Under the red and fur trimmed coat, he wore crimson and black vertical striped pants, a black dress shirt, and an orange vest with black suspenders. Joker had chosen a pair of calf-high black boots trimmed in white fur. 

“Ah, can you feel it Harley??!” Joker spun around slowly, the tiny flakes of snow falling down around him, starting to land in his green hair and making it look dipped in frosting. 

Harley slowly came out of the SUV, her waist-length white faux fur coat wrapped tightly around her. She smiled at him. “Feel what puddin?” 

Joker stopped spinning, dropped his arms, but still smiled brightly. 

“Christmas is in the air!!” he announced before he hurried over and wrapped his arms around Harley’s waist, lifted her off feet, and spun her around. Harley laughed and let her head drop back while she flung her arms out and stuck her tongue out to catch snowflakes. Joker laughed and twirled her around while he held her up, his blue eyes catching the lights of the parking lot until they shimmered like sapphires. After a few more spins, he lowered her down to her feet, though he didn’t let her go. “So, how about we go sit on Santa’s lap and tell him everything we want for Christmas?” 

Harley giggled, rubbing her cold nose against his and whispered. “I think some of the things I want from you will get me put on the naughty list.” 

Joker’s eyes widened along with a low, sexy giggle in his throat that accompanied the equally sexy smile that danced across his pale features. “Well, well, pumpkin you’ll just have to tell Joker Santa those dirty Christmas wishes.” His tongue flicked out to brush her lips. 

Twittering with glee, Harley grabbed the sides of Joker’s face and pulled him in to capture his mouth in a deep, warm kiss. Joker growled with pleasure before he picked her up again and carried her a few paces toward the vehicle and pressed Harley against the side of the SUV, their kissing intensifying. He pressed his body against her, his tongue swirling tenderly against hers while his hands slid under her coat to squeeze her waist before dropping down further to snake under the layers of her skirt in his search to touch her bare skin. Harley responded with her own growl of want, her hands gliding down his chest, moving lower and lower... 

Frost, who was still sitting behind the wheel, saw them in the side mirror and quickly exited the SUV rushing around to the side they were on and called out. “Boss, uh, if you guys really want to see Santa we better get in there before the mall closes.” 

Even as he said it Frost knew how stupid that sounded, but Joker pulled away from Harley, continuing to brush his nose along hers, licking her upper lip before he said, “You’re right Frost.” He stepped away from Harley with a wink and grasped her hand. “We’ll continue the discussion of your naughty wishlist later sweets.” 

Joker made a rounding up motion with his finger in the air. “Everyone out!! We’re going to go see Santa, but first, I want all those lights unloaded…” 

Harley frowned in confusion. “Lights? I don’t remember you saying anything about lights puddin.” 

Joker grinned at her. “Well, I know sometimes these places can skimp on the Christmas lights, so I thought we’d make sure everything is decorated as it should be.” 

Harley turned just as the hench people started to unload plastic totes from the back of one of the SUVs, one of them pulling back a lid to reveal hundreds of boxes of string Christmas light, in purple, green, white, and red. 

Harley gasped. “Our colors!” 

“I would have black ones too, but apparently Christmas lights don’t come in black.” Joker pouted only slightly before turning his attention to the gang. “All right boys and girls, I want these lights strung up all over the place when we get there. If we were outside, I want the aliens to be able to see us from space! Now let’s go!!” Joker gestured as if he was telling his army to move out. 

As one, the group followed Joker and Harley into the mall, carrying their massive amount of Christmas lights. 

* 

Santa’s Village was a cordoned off section of the mall, a space used for many mall events throughout the year. The house was a portable wooden building, painted to look as if it had a snow covered roof with peppermint roof tiles and gingerbread doors. The little house looked half Santa’s house and half the evil witch’s gingerbread house. This year the house had brand new cut-out Santa and Mrs. Claus cut-outs that guests could put their faces through for pictures. There were even some snowman and reindeer cut-outs for the same thing. The toy train was back so that parents and their kids could ride around the large Christmas tree that dominated the center of Santa’s Village. Since this was the first time Santa’s Village had been back in five years, they had a small petting zoo where they were keeping two real reindeer for the children and parents to pet as well as a few other smaller animals. Who cared that everything smelled like the inside of barn because of the animals, the kids liked it, Terry supposed with a frown. 

They had some coin-operated rides for the kids, a gingerbread station for making tiny gingerbread houses, and a little gift booth where parents could have the adorable photographs of their children screaming at Santa turned into ornaments. They even had a stupid train that the happy, little families could ride on. 

Everything was sparkly, in red, green, and gold and extremely cheerful. 

That wasn’t even considering the 24/7 piped in Christmas music, all carefully sanitized to not offend anyone. 

It was all enough to make a man sick. 

Terry Ficarra sighed as he sat on Santa’s red and gold throne, wishing he could scratch his balls and steal a sip from his hip flask that he kept hidden in the folds of his suit and his own bowl full of jelly bellies. 

The village would be closing for the night in the next fifteen minutes. There were no more kids in line to sit on his lap and tell him their silly wishes while smelling of shit, urine, and candy. He didn’t know why he’d agreed to this job. Oh no, he did know why, the pay was decent. He didn’t have to lose weight or shave, he just had to sit here in a stupid red suit, on a hard throne that made his ass ache, and tell stinky kid after stinky kid that they were going to get their wish. Then he could go home, get smashing drunk, pass out, and start again, but if everything went well, he’d have a little nest egg that he could use to pay off his gambling debts come December 24th. 

He just had to remember to keep smiling. 

He glanced down the little red carpeted lane, lined with plastic candy canes, fake snow from the snow machine, and colored lights. He could see Nottie, (dressed as one of Santa’s elves in red and white stockings with a cute little green dress that showed off the ruffled panties she wore when she bent over) who was down at the end of the lane looking around, the rope in her hand, waiting for her chance to close off the line. Hopefully no stupid parents who shouldn’t have their kids out this late would decide to stop and see Santa...they might all get out of here early if no one else showed up. Having Santa’s Village open until eleven, keeping the same holiday hours as the stores, was stupid in Terry’s opinion. 

That was when Terry saw a large group of people that seemed to be heading right toward Santa’s Village. Terry frowned, tracking the group with his eyes as the group slowly approached. At first he thought maybe they might be part of the janitorial staff because as he watched, they began to set up and start plugging in enough Christmas lights to call a jet down, except they seemed to be stringing them, anywhere at all; he couldn’t see any real rhyme or reason. The next thing he noticed was that all the lights were either red, green, purple, or white which were Christmas colors, but there was something about the way these colors, isolated like that, that made his stomach do a weird flip-flop. 

Terry realized a couple of other things about the group that bothered him, making him question his first assessment that they were janitors or maintenance. 

The guy in front who seemed to be leading them had a hood up so that his face was in shadow, but he was wearing a coat with a heavy fur-trim. A real man would never wear something like that, Terry thought with a curl of his upper lip (something he’d practiced since he was a kid after seeing Billy Idol for the first time.) The next thing he realized, since they were getting progressively closer, was that some of the people had their faces painted like clowns. One of them was a huge man who wore a Christmas red and green tutu, carried a large sack, and last but not least, he noticed the hot blonde in a short dress showing a lot of leg. 

Definitely not janitors. 

And they were still heading straight for Santa’s Village. 

Terry jumped a foot when a voice beside him hissed. “You don’t think they're coming to see you, do you?” 

Terry spun around on his throne to see Oliver, one of the other Christmas elves standing beside him. Oliver continued as if he hadn’t nearly scared Terry to death. “I want to get home and watch Bruce Wayne on Dancing with the Stars.” 

Terry shook his head. “They can’t be coming to see us, they ain’t got any kids with them.” 

“Maybe they just want to buy some gingerbread?” Oliver offered with a shrug just as the group arrived at the entrance, forcing Nottie to drop the velvet covered rope. 

Terry muttered and pointed. “Why do you think they are stringing lights everywhere?” 

“Really into Christmas?” Oliver suggested. “Oh, or maybe they are secret shoppers? You know, maybe from a corporation come here to check on us?” 

Terry paled. Corporate was plausible, those douchebags could show up at any time, but even as he continued to watch them, Terry wasn’t so sure that group was from corporate either. 

* 

Nottie’s eyes widened when she saw the group coming toward them, as well as the hundreds of lights they had added to the already impressive mall display. They were mostly wearing black and she saw that several of the people wore clown paint on their faces, but her attention was grabbed by the pretty blonde and the mysterious man wearing a long Santa coat. The man in the hood stopped with his arm around the pretty blonde, and turned to inspect the lights. “Not bad--could be better--but I’m in a good mood, so good enough for now.” He turned back around to Nottie. 

“Ah, look darlings! One of Santa’s elves!” The man in the deep, red hood pointed a gloved finger at Nottie while the pretty blonde pulled a sucker from her cleavage, unwrapped it, and popped the red sucker into her mouth. 

The only person to react was a large man in a tutu, wearing an elf hat, with plastic elf ears over his own, and carrying a large Santa like sack that was clearly filled with something substantial. He jumped up and down, clapping his hands with excitement. When the hench people didn’t react to Joker pointing out the elf, he tossed his hood back and growled pointing at each of them. “If you don't show a little more Christmas spirit, I’ll shoot all of you in the kneecaps!” 

Harley snickered around the sucker in her mouth as Joker tried again, this time gesturing widely and dramatically. “Ah look darlings, one of Santa’s elves!” Joker’s tone sounded threatening despite his words as he pointed again at Nottie who had gone stiff as a board and white as a sheet when the man had tossed his hood back and she saw that it was the infamous Joker. She glanced over at Harley who gave her a little finger wiggle of a wave and an impish smile. 

This time after Joker had repeated his sentence the group of henchpeople “Ooh’d” and “Ahh’d” appropriately. 

Joker smiled with satisfaction before he wrapped his arm around Harley’s waist again and stepped closer to Nottie. “My good elf, the lady clown and I are here to meet the big man himself.” 

Nottie’s mouth moved silently, her eyes wide with fear. 

Joker frowned and waved a gloved hand in front of Nottie’s face. “Damn, think we killed her like that last Santa?” 

Harley shook her head and pointed with her sucker. “She’s still breathing.” 

“Heellooooo!!” Joker waved his hand in Nottie’s face again, but this time she blinked. “Oh look there is life in there!” Joker chuckled, wrinkling his nose. “At least right now...So ah, you gonna let us pass?” he asked gesturing at where Nottie stood. 

Nottie looked down and realized she was standing in the middle of the path, the velvet covered rope she had been about to use to close off the village dangled in front of her. “Oh...ah...” Not knowing what she should do, Nottie simply stepped out of the way and dropped into her rehearsed speech she had been saying all day for the last week. 

“Welcome to Santa’s Village where you can make a gingerbread house, get your picture with Santa, pet a real reindeer, ride the Christmas Express, and make ornaments for your tree with your very own picture.” Nottie recited her speech in a robotic fashion. 

Joker grinned, sweeping past Nottie with his arm around Harley. “Thank you good elf! I think we shall start with...OH! Harley look!!” Pointing in excitement, Joker gasped loudly. “REINDEER!” 

The hench people all reacted with excitement either from seeing a real reindeer or some fear of a bullet to the kneecap, but they all followed Joker and Harley along with Bob, Frost, and Archie, to the corral where a couple of reindeer stood lazily eating hay surrounded by a handful of other small petting zoo typical animals. 

Archie muttered, asking no one in particular while they drew closer to the reindeer. “Are a reindeer;s antlers sharp enough to impale a guy on?” 

Joker turned around and pointed his finger at Archie. “Don’t you dare ruin Christmas! I will not be like Kate Beringer in Gremlins!” 

Harley nearly choked on her sucker laughing when Joker added. “Now, everyone behave and pet reindeer!” 

The two elves on duty with the reindeer were actually their owners, sisters Jody and Christa. When they both saw the Joker and Harley Quinn walking toward them, they both froze. They could run, but neither one of them wanted to leave their animals. Before they could come up with another idea, Joker had stopped in front of them with a wide smile on his pale face, holding Harley tight against his side. 

“Good evening Christmas elves! We would like to pet your reindeer.” Joker grinned expectantly. 

Jody glanced at Christa before she stuck out her chest in defiance. “I will not let you harm these reindeer, you’ll have to go through me first!” 

Joker blinked in complete surprise before he turned to look at Harley who looked equally confused. “Poo, did she just tell me I have to kill her first to pet the reindeer, because if she did that was not the kind of behavior I was expecting from an elf.” 

Harley reached up and patted his cheek, her sucker stuck in the side of her cheek. “I’m sure that’s not what she meant, exactly. They think we might hurt the reindeer.” Harley turned a pout on the two young women. “The fact that you think we would hurt a defenseless animal...I’m insulted.” 

Joker gasped in his dramatic fashion, hand to his heart before he hissed. “You think of us as such beasts! I’d never hurt an animal, it's like hurting a kid--it isn’t funny. No...we just want to pet them.” Joker beamed. “I love animals!” 

Jody looked at Christa, who motioned at her to open the little corral gate to let them in while Joker and Harley looked on patiently. Still looking uncomfortable, Jody opened the little gate and stepped aside, allowing Joker and the others to sweep in. Christa hurried over and grabbed some of the feed that they had ready to give to those who wanted to feed the reindeer in little plastic tupperware bowls. She filled them, then hurriedly handed a little container with shaking hands to Joker and Harley before quickly stepping away. 

Joker beamed with pleasure as he walked briskly over to one of the animals with Harley at his side. The reindeer gave them an only slightly interested look before going back to grazing in the hay, its head only coming up when Joker offered it some feed. The reindeer began to eat out of Joker’s hand while he ran his other hand along the snout of one of the reindeer, a contented smile on his red lips, something Harley didn't see very often, his contented smile. 

“Isn’t it beautiful Harls? I love animals, so uncomplicated, loyal, they never feel the need to dress up like a Bat and spend their time annoying the piss out of me.” Joker sighed happily, petting the animal gently. 

Bob had his arms around one of the reindeer, his large head resting against the animal’s neck through the reindeer didn't seem the least bothered by Bob’s show of affection. Smiling happily, Bob rubbed his nose gently against the animal's neck. The other henchpeople fanned out with their feed to give to the other animals, a few goats, and a couple of sheep. 

Archie stood close, examining the antlers of the reindeer and muttered. “Yeah, too dull, might be able to trample me to death, but not with two...maybe throw me, but too high a chance to live…” 

One of the henchpeople, a man named Elliot said while rubbing the side of one of the reindeer. “There are some metal reindeer, part of the mall display, over by the Christmas tree. Those horns looked pretty sharp.” Elliot glanced over at Archie, his stubbled clown painted face had a genuine smile. “I mean, if you’re serious about being impaled.” 

There was the sudden sound of something being thrown through the air. The sound was followed quickly by a noticeable thunking sound. Harley, who had walked around to the other side of the reindeer she was petting, stood up on her toes to look over the animal just in time to see Elliot, his eyes wide with a knife sticking out of the side of his throat. She narrowed her eyes for a moment before looking back over at Joker. He had just turned back to petting the reindeer, though he looked slightly annoyed. 

Archie, who had turned, his eyes wide with excitement to look at the metal reindeer hadn’t realized that Elliot was dead until the younger man fell to ground by his feet followed by the screams of Jody and Christa with Joker yelling to be heard over the top of their screams, though he didn’t look over at Archie and he never stopped petting the reindeer. 

“You go over there Archie, so help me you are not getting anything for Christmas!” 

Frost had walked over to Elliot to retrieve the Boss’s knife before hurrying over to the young women to warn them that if they didn’t shut up, they might upset his Boss and Miss Quinn. No one even noticed when the young women’s screams suddenly stopped. 

Frost walked back to Joker and handed the Boss his knife. Joker took it, still looking annoyed, and yanked a handkerchief out dramatically from his jacket pocket. He snapped the folded cloth open and wiped the blood off while glaring disapprovingly at Archie. 

Archie sighed, looking longingly at the metal reindeer and their very pointy metal horns before turning around at the sound of something hitting the floor to see that Elliot was dead. The short clown sighed overdramatically and dropped his shoulders in defeat. 

“Okay, now that we’ve petted deer, didn’t that one elf say something about gingerbread?” Joker glanced at Harley. “How would you feel about some gingerbread, then we ride one of the coin motorcycles?” He smirked. “I’ve always thought I would look dashing on a motorcycle!” 

“Oh you would puddin, you would…” Harley bit her bottom lip with a shiver. She was going to have to get her puddin a real motorcycle. 

* 

Terry remained still, wondering if anyone had called the police. The mall was officially closed now and he’d seen some other employees from stores in the mall walk past, and not once did anyone of them pay any attention to Santa's Village. It wasn’t surprising for them to stay open a few minutes past official mall closing times when there was some lingering parent trying to get the perfect Christmas picture, but that was only a couple of minutes, maybe five at the most, and it didn’t happen that often. And it was clear none of these people were regular people...why was no one stopping or calling the cops, Terry wondered in dismay to himself. 

He would have called them himself, but his phone was back in his locker, all their phones were back in their lockers! They had been forced to leave their cellphones in their lockers while in costume because the sight of Santa or an elf with a phone would destroy the illusion. Terry was pretty sure it was just because they didn’t want anyone texting while at work. 

Terry watched as the group of clowns headed over to the gingerbread house station. Poor Reba. 

* 

Reba was dressed more to resemble Mrs. Claus than an elf. She even wore an apron around her waist that she clenched in terror as she watched the large group make its way over to her section of Santa’s Village. The urge to wet herself almost overcame her when she saw Joker and Harley Quinn, in the lead, hand in hand and skipping toward her, followed by at least a dozen clowns and a large...man in a tutu. Reba was more surprised by the handsome man in the black suit than anything else. If she hadn’t caught a glimpse of the gun, she would have simply thought he was some poor man who had been swept up into this madness, and just when she was getting ready to go home. 

“Mrs. Claus I presume?” Joker grinned at her before he bowed and Harley curtsied. 

Harley giggled happily, blinking large, blue, innocent eyes up at Reba. “I’ve never made a gingerbread house and neither has my puddin. So, you gonna teach us?” Smiling, she batted her eyes. 

She was a very pretty girl Reba thought, the sort of girl any woman would be happy to have as a daughter-in-law except that her husband was the Joker. 

The two clowns continued to smile at her in excitement and with matching expressions of expectation. If they weren't the Joker and Harley Quinn, Reba might have been inclined to think they would be just a nice, eccentric couple instead of a couple murderous clowns. 

“Ah...yes of course. Right this way…” Her voice trembled as she turned, glancing over to Jody and Christa who looked too terrified to move and Nottie who was still by the entrance except she had fallen to her knees. Reba had to wonder where the others had disappeared to, Elkin in ornaments and Sebastian who was taking the Santa pictures, or Danny who ran the train, though she could still see Terry, their Santa Claus sitting on his throne gripping the armrests so hard his knuckles had turned white. 

Poor Terry couldn’t move. The clowns had to know he was there; if he moved he would definitely draw their attention. Poor man, Reba thought again. He had to be the clowns’ last stop tonight. Reba shuddered as she led Joker and his group over to the picnic benches where she had paper over each spot for working on houses. There was crumbled and leftover candy on the tables. She had just started to clean up when the clowns arrived. Just as she was directing them to sit, Reba realized that she didn’t have enough gingerbread on hand right now to allow all of them to make houses… 

“Ah…” Reba’s mouth moved for a moment, unsure what she wanted to say as Joker and Harley watched her intently. 

“I say an alien robot that just malfunctioned,” Harley hissed at Joker, gazing at the older woman with a serious expression. “Or a robot possibly made by Batman, but I’m going to put my money on a Lex Luthor robot.” 

Joker nodded with a smile. “Mm...I do like your choice.” He kissed her cheek before returning to gazing at Reba. “...but I’m going to have to say evil Mrs. Claus clone, also designed by Lex Luthor. He just seems to be the sorta guy who would be into clones.” 

Reba finally found her voice. “I, ah, because it's the end of the day, I don’t have a lot of on hand gingerbread left for being this many…” She looked over the gang members doing a quick sound then frowned. “Maybe four of you could make houses? I have crayons and coloring books for everyone else.” She could not believe she was making this offer to adults. 

Joker chuckled. “That’s fine, give one to me, my pumpkin here…” He booped Harley on the nose with a tender smile. “One for Bob here…” He patted Bob’s shoulder where the big man sat on his other side. “And one for Frosty.” 

Frost opened his mouth to say he was fine without making a gingerbread house when Joker pointed at him. “Don’t you dare. I can see the Scrooge lurking behind those eyes buddy. You get over here, sit down, and build a house.” Joker crossed his arms, glaring at Frost who sighed with defeat. “Fine, Boss, but can Archie help me?” 

Archie, who had sat down across from Bob, looked at Frost like the man had just betrayed him to the enemy. “What the fuck man?” 

“I’m not doing this alone,” Frost muttered at him as he sat down next to Archie. “If I have to make a gingerbread house, you’re helping.” 

Archie grumbled. “Think we can make a gingerbread shiv and you knife me?” 

Joker looked over at the two of them with a frown on his red lips just as Reba was laying out the ingredients. 

“Archie, I promise I’ll think of a way to kill you that is so funny, so novel, that Gotham will be talking about it forever, but right now, no gingerbread shivs. Though I think we might have to revisit that idea pumpkin.” He grinned at Harley. “Imagine if we commit a crime with all food based weapons? I saw a Stephen King movie where this creepy cat lady, no relation to Selina...I think...but she used an ear of corn-on-the-cob to kill someone.” His smile spread across his face. “Imagine all the food I could ruin for Batman.” 

Harley giggled, shaking her head. “Careful, Condiment Man might come after us for copyright infringement.” 

Joker only snorted in response, picking up a gingerbread wall to begin his work. 

Archie looked defeated and muttered. “Can we at least make it like a gingerbread morgue?” 

Frost looked ever so slightly mortified while Joker laughed. “I like that! Yes, a gingerbread Christmas morgue where death is the gift that just keeps giving!” He snickered at his joke. 

Harley held up the walls of her gingerbread house with a frown before she asked. “How about we pool our pieces and construct a gingerbread Arkham?” 

“Ooh, poo bear!!! You are simply brilliant, do you know that pumpkin pie?” Joker leaned over grasping her jaw and pulled her over to rub his nose with the tip of her nose, smiling in delight before he gave her a deep, knee weakening kiss. 

Harley giggled with a rosy blush across her cheeks as she caught his bottom lip with her teeth, gently tugging before she answered, just a little breathless from his kiss, “Thank you puddin.” 

“What are you going to make Bob?” Joker asked, his brows lifted in query as he reached for the royal icing. 

Bob gestured at the gingerbread in front of him, pointing at some of the candies that Reba had set down then made a few more hand gestures. Joker nodded his understanding. “Oh I see, you’re going to make a more traditional gingerbread house ,but with a rainbow theme. I like it.” 

Bob smiled brightly. 

Frost glanced between Joker and Bob with a slight frown wondering how Joker had gotten all that from Bob. 

* 

For the next few minutes everyone worked in relative quiet. 

Joker and Harley had just finished making the walls of the main building and then Harley started with little gumdrops, fondant, and gum paste to make a little Joker, Harley, Riddler, and several other edible versions of their friends. (She had to smack Joker’s hand after he ate the head off of Eddie for the third time which only made him giggle.) Working with the intensity that Joker usually reserved for working on a new device or chemical weapon to use against Batman, Joker was carefully putting on the roof of the main Arkham building. 

Archie had made several gingerbread gurneys with little gumdrop and fondant dead bodies on them. Frost had the walls of his morgue up and Bob was well on his way to making an adorable two-story gingerbread house with rainbow colored candy tiles on the roof, licorice paths and sugar crystal shrubs when they all heard one of the henchmen mutter a little too loudly. 

“Think we’ll get back in time to see the ending of Dancing with the Stars? I had money on Bruce Wayne winning.” 

The low chatter that had been going on since the gang had started on the gingerbread and coloring, died as if all the air had been sucked out of the room; the silence was deafening. 

Reba, who had fallen comfortably into her routine of playing Mrs. Claus and walking among the guests to make sure no one needed help (thinking of them as normal guests and not a gang of murderous clowns was helping Reba cope, though it helped that Joker and Harley Quinn seemed very intent on actually making a gingerbread house. She tried not to pay attention to the fact that the police hadn’t arrived, that no one leaving the mall had thought to call them.) She stopped mid step when the silence fell. Everyone turned toward the man who had spoken, Valenka. 

“You are so dead,” one of the men sitting next to Valenka hissed before he quickly got up and hurried over to another bench. The rest of the henchpeople who had been sitting around Valenka all stood and scrambled to other seats leaving Valenka alone at the table with his coloring book and crayons. 

Joker, who still seemed quite intent on his gingerbread asylum, asked, his voice carrying across the space, “How much did you put down?” 

Valenka looked over at Joker. The man’s face had gone almost as pale as Joker’s natural skin tone. He looked back at his fellow henchpeople, but none of them moved to come stand with him so he murmured. “I ah, put $500 down.” 

“Anyone else put money down on Bruce Wayne?” Joker’s voice was calm, too calm Harley noted with a raised eyebrow. He still had not looked over at Valenka, but instead he continued adding details to his gingerbread asylum. 

Harley pressed her lips together doing her best not to giggle while looking between Joker and the henchman. She wasn’t quite sure where her puddin was going, but she was excited to find out. 

When no one answered Joker continued in the same calm voice. “$500? Really, that’s a lot of money for you.” Joker smiled contentedly as he started to lay candy tiles on his roof, never looking over at Valenka. “Mm...I’ll give $500 to whoever kills that idiot.” 

Valenka jumped to his feet. “NO! WAIT!!” 

The man didn’t even have time to go for his own gun before nearly every member of the gang pulled a gun and shot at him. 

Reba screamed, followed by several other screams from other members of the Santa Village. 

Harley watched with amusement as Valenka’s body jerked, the bullets ripping through his body and keeping Valenka on his feet for several seconds. Once the shooting stopped, Valenka collapsed in a bloody, hole riddled heap. 

Joker finally looked up from his gingerbread asylum, a slight frown on his face. “Now how the hell am I going to figure out which shot killed him?” He shook his head with a long suffering sigh. “Fine, I guess you’ll just have to divide $500 among yourselves.” 

This statement was met by a collective sigh of regret. 

“Well, I don’t know about the rest of you…” Joker stood up. “But I’m done exercising my patience with building things. Let’s go ride the…” Joker didn’t finish before everyone heard a man shout. 

“All right, what’s going on here?? I thought I heard a bunch of popping sounds coming from over here, sounding like a goddamn firing squad!! The mall closed, y'all need to be heading on out!” 

They all turned to see one of the mall security guards, a large man with a grey crew cut under his mall issue ballcap, wearing a white and black guard uniform. He came strolling straight toward them. 

Joker’s smile slowly spread over his face, while the light in his eyes glowed. He glanced sideways at Harley. “Harley, I think a Grinch has arrived to try and ruin our Christmas fun.” 

Glancing over at the descending guard, Harley smiled. “I do believe you are correct puddin, a big old Christmas Grinch.” 

She giggled as Joker reached out, took her hand, and stood up. “What do you say to spreading some Christmas cheer? Maybe we can make his heart grow two sizes?” Joker’s blue eyes twinkled merrily. He released her hand long enough to mimic opening up someone’s chest, grabbing their heart and stretching it out while he giggled the entire time. 

Harley snickered. “I think your version is going to be a lot more painful.” 

“What’s Christmas without a little pain?” Joker asked, taking her hand again and kissing her knuckles before he began to walk briskly over to the security guard.


	2. Toys

The guard, Willard Jones, was too old for this shit and he was only thirty-eight, but since he took this job as a security guard at a mall, he’d been feeling too old for this for weeks. Stupid kids running around the mall on their skateboards, getting into fights, and that didn’t even take into consideration all the soccer moms who came in here and started fights with the employees. It happened often enough he would have thought it was some sort of gang initiation, the Gang of Karens. 

Willard snickered to himself as he walked up to Santa’s Village. He had been on his way to the security room for his evening shift when he saw a decent size group of people puttering around Santa's Village. He figured it was probably just some friends of the employees, maybe having an after hours Christmas party, which was fine by him. He just needed to be told these things so that he didn’t have to make a false call to the police. 

But as Willard approached the group, he heard a loud series of pops that might have been balloons or firecrackers, but still that kind of shit did go down in the mall! 

Hurrying over, Willard called out. “All right, what’s going on here?? I thought I heard a bunch of popping sounds coming from over here, sounding like a goddamn firing squad!! The mall’s closed, so y'all need to be heading on out or explain to me why you’re here?!” He saw the people speaking among themselves, not that he could see them too well with the rest of the mall lighting on low except around Santa’s Village, before two of them stood up. He couldn’t quite see them as they walked toward him. At the last few paces, the couple began to skip and at the last possible second, when the lighting finally hit their faces just right, Willard realized that they were Joker and Harley Quinn. 

Willard wanted to pull his walkie out and call John, his partner who was outside driving around the parking lot looking for trouble, but he couldn’t move. He’d never encountered any of the colorful villains that populated Gotham except on TV. He’d joked a lot about what he’d do if he ran across one of them, but now that he was confronted by two of the most dangerous it was taking all of Willard’s focus not to wet himself. 

“My good sir!” Joker grinned at the guard while throwing out his other hand in a grand gesture to encompass Santa’s Village. “Welcome to our Christmas party! Are you here in a professional capacity or have you decided to join our band of merrymakers for our Christmas celebrations?” Joker batted his eyelashes, his smile widening a little more. “My good wife and I are always happy to have new merrymakers join our band of clowns.” 

Harley giggled, kissing Joker’s cheeks. “Aww! You’re so sweet puddin.” 

Joker preened under Harley’s praise. 

Willard opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He couldn’t seem to move, breathing was hard and he wasn’t sure what he should do, his mind had turned to mush, but thank God he hadn’t wet himself...yet. 

Harley turned her attention to the guard and smiled. “I think he wants to join us puddin! Look at his face...” She pointed at Willard. “You can see it in his eyes.” 

Joker grinned at Harley while pulling her close and kissed her cheek. “Well that might be shocking, but I do believe you are right my pumpkin pie.” Joker released his hold on Harley to step closer to Willard. The guard couldn’t move. It was as if he’d suddenly become paralzyed but he was still able to stand! 

Willard watched with horror, but he was unable to do anything to stop Joker as the clown put his arm around Willard’s shoulders, (the fur trim of Joker’s coat brushed against his nose, almost causing him to sneeze) and began to guide him down the little lane into Santa’s Village. Harley fell into step on the other side of the guard. Willard did nothing except to let himself be maneuvered. Harley walked a little closer as Joker led the man in and put her arm around Willard’s shoulder too. Joker leaned forward to wink at Harley who giggled in response. 

“So what’s your name handsome?” Harley asked with a wrinkle of her nose, while she and Joker guided the guard down the little red carpeted walkway. Despite his fear Willard could acknowledge that Harley Quinn was a very pretty woman, the kind that was hard to resist even if she was a psychotic killer. 

“Uh, Will...Willard,” Willard muttered. “...but my friend calls me Mike cause my middle name is Michael and I said I preferred it once, but a lot of people still call me Willard. And some people call me Will. I get tired of correcting them so I don’t really say much about it.” Willard realized he was babbling, but he couldn’t stop himself! 

While Willard was blathering on, Harley reached over and unclipped the taser and baton that hung from Willard’s belt, tossing them over her shoulder as she pulled them free. He looked down confused by what she was doing, but also unable (and unwilling to try) to stop her. Why was his body not obeying him? 

“Well Willard-who-prefers-to-be-called-Mike-cause-his-middle name-is-Michael-but-still-gets-called-Will-or-Willard…” Joker grinned, bumping the guard with his hip. “Harls and I were going to go play with the coin rides. You got some coins on you, because Harley and I are not really into carrying money with us.” Joker batted his eyelashes at Willard. 

“I, uh, have a few quarters on me…” Willard looked between Joker and Harley with confusion contorting his features. 

Harley giggled. “You hear that puddin, he’s got some quarters!” 

“Yes!” Joker grinned. “To the coin cars!!” 

* 

Terry saw his chance, while the clowns were occupied with the guard, the other Village members were all staring at the clowns and their gang, too scared to move. He thought briefly about motioning the others into running, but decided against it. If he was going to get out of here with his skin, he would move faster without anyone else. 

Counting to ten, while Joker and Harley were staring the guard toward the coin-operated toy vehicles, Terry stood and took off at a run, kicking up fake snow as he ran. 

* 

From the corner of his eye, Joker saw something red move and it was moving quickly. Releasing Willard, Joker spun around and pointed. “Bob! Fetch!” 

Bob, who had been happily lugging around his Santa sack, dropped the sack (causing Harley and Joker to both wince at once) and took off at an almost galloping gait after Santa. Everyone started to cheer and yell as Terry jumped the cords that cordoned off the Santa’s Village area from the rest of the mall, and hit the slick floor of the mall where there was no fake snow to provide traction. The moment Terry’s Santa boot’s hit the polished floor, he slid. For a few tense seconds, Santa glided across the floor, his arms pinwheeling while Bob leaped over the cords as agile as a gazelle, hitting the floor with a heavy impact, and kept moving. Santa saw the tutu wearing giant of a man coming after him, which sent him into a panic as he tried to stop gliding on the floor. Standing inside Santa’s Village, his arm still around Willard’s shoulders, Joker giggled as he watched Bob. “He’s like a chubby leopard!” 

Laughing, Harley nodded in agreement. Her arm was also still around Willard, the two of them were leaning forward, speaking as if the guard wasn’t standing between them. “I think he’s a little scarier than Bane when he’s running at someone because Bob is always enjoying himself.” 

Joker nodded sagely while he watched the mall Santa start to freak out as Bob closed the distance between them, his tutu bobbing with his movements. “He does have a beautiful smile. Bob is probably the smartest man in the world, after me, but before Batman.” Joker grinned puffing his chest out. “And his sense of fashion is almost as good as mine, not quite of course, but then again, I am pretty amazing and a snappy dresser.” 

Harley stuck her bottom lip out. “Hey, what about me puddin?” 

“I said smartest man,” he said. “You my sweet, delicious Christmas treat, are the smartest woman--mostly because you picked me as your man-between-the-sheets…” Joker smirked at her, followed by giving her a playful wink when Harley giggled and gasped. She gave him a playful swat on the shoulder where her hand rested. (The rest of the Santa’s Village workers had been herded together when Terry decided to ditch them in favor of his own escape. Leaning close to Reba, Nottie hissed. “You know, if they weren't Joker and Harley, I’d said they are a cute couple.” Reba frowned and muttered. “Agreed. You should have had them making gingerbread houses together…they were cute.” In unison, both women muttered. “Weird.”) 

“Oh puddin look!!” Harley pointed as Bob raced past one of several Christmas trees that decorated the mall while Terry was running like a maniac. It was pretty clear he was in a full-blown panic because he couldn’t seem to settle on a direction before he would switch again. It was a lot like watching a Looney Tunes cartoon while Terry went back and forth, his arms flailing around like a crazy person as Bob cut the distance between them. 

“He’s like a chicken with his head cut off!” Joker laughed while they watched. 

Bob pulled the garland off of two trees, only knocking a few ornaments out of the fake trees (the ornaments were as plastic as the trees and bounced across the slick mall floor when Bob knocked them off.) The big man moved swiftly to create a lasso with the shiny red and silver garland that he started to whip over the top of his head. It was the most impressive thing that Harley had ever seen! 

Harley squealed with excitement. “He’s gonna lasso him!!” 

“WHOOP! YEE HAW!! AND ALL THAT NONSENSE!! GET ’EM BOB!!” Joker called out encouragement while the rest of the gang shouted and cheered. 

* 

Terry couldn’t think straight. Panic made his heart beat like crazy, pounding hard enough that he was worried he was going to have a heart attack. He’d finished off all the whiskey in his flask--liquid courage to help him move--but now he couldn’t figure out how to get out of the mall. His head was spinning every time he turned, the lights were flickering--or was that the booze? He couldn’t be sure, but it felt as if everything in the mall had switched around, like someone had flipped it. Now in was out and out was in and the entire complex had become a mass of confusion mixed with too much Christmas! 

Now he was completely lost!! 

Turning around, trying to find a new direction that would get him out of the mall, Terry turned in time to see the big tutu wearing man pounding after him like a graceful rhino. No, not a rhino, it was the hippos that wore tutus from that Disney movie...what wasn’t it? OH, Fantasia! Terry was proud of himself for remembering only to panic as the man in the tutu began swinging something over his head. 

Terry realized it was a lasso made of shiny, glittery red Christmas garland. The image of the big tutu wearing man running swiftly at him with a lasso made of sparkling garland, whipping it over his head like a man about to lasso a steer continuing to bear down on him like a truck was terrifying. He thought in the more sober part of his mind that this should have looked funny, but he was terrified! 

He wasn’t proud of himself, but Terry screamed like a little girl before he turned and ran again. 

He didn’t care where this direction took him as long as it was away from the tutu wearing cowboy wannabe. The moment he spun around, he took only a few steps before he felt something fly over his head and grasp him around the throat. The pull that followed not only cut off his air, causing him to choke for a few seconds, but the pull on the garland was powerful enough that Terry was yanked clean off his feet. 

Terry’s eyes widened in an almost comical fashion as his feet flew out from under him, followed by his back, and then his head slammed against the mall floor with enough of an impact that Terry was sure his teeth rattled in his head. 

He blacked out for just a moment. 

His eyes fluttered open a second later. 

Terry, the mall Santa, looked up at the big tutu-wearing man standing over him smiling. The man looked sweet. That was the only word that Terry could come up with as the man gave him a cheerful smile followed by a enthusiastic thumbs up. Terry reached up, thinking to punch the man or fight in some way, but the big man grabbed Terry by the wrist and flipped him over onto his stomach. 

Before Terry could process what had happened he was hog-tied with Christmas garland and a string of lights. The big man easily picked Terry up a moment later and tossed him over his muscular shoulder before walking with a skip in his step back over to Joker and Harley. 

* 

Joker and Harley had released Willard, who stood perfectly straight and unmoving. He would rather be doing anything else but watch the mall Santa getting hogtied by a giant tutu-wearing Christmas elf. The unreality of the situation made him question the sanity of his current situation. Maybe he was actually dreaming? Or hallucinating? He hadn’t done drugs since he was a kid, but maybe he was having some sort of flashback? Could you get flashbacks from weed? Willard wondered as he continued to dissociate himself from the situation. 

The other members of the gang stood behind Joker and Harley, clapping and whistling their praise for Bob, including Frost who looked impressed with his friend. 

Archie was clapping his hands with a rare, muted smile on his face. “That was pretty cool,” he admitted. 

Bob, grinning ear to ear and his cheeks rosy with pleasure, came back over with his hog-tied Santa Claus over his shoulder like a prized goose, ducking his head at the applause and cheering. 

Terry hung limply across Bob’s shoulder, his only consolation that he hadn’t wet himself, which he was proud of. Maybe after he was killed that would be something even the cops would notice Terry wondered, and not his numerous DUIs. 

When Bob was close enough, Joker came over to him, reaching up to pat Bob’s cheek affectionately. 

“That’s brilliant Bob!!” Joker cooed at the big man just before he and Harley both hopped up on their toes to kiss Bob on either cheek which only made the big man blush brighter. 

“Just brilliant!” Joker stepped back at the same time as Harley glancing sideways at her. “Wasn’t that amazing? I have got to get Bob to teach me how to do that. We could play Sheriff and Outlaw…” He waggled his eyebrows at Harley. “I could lasso you.” 

Harley giggled with pleasure, fluttering her eyes at him, her tone sultry. “I’ll be the Sheriff and I’ll lasso you.” 

Joker’s smile widened further, his eyes dancing with amusement and excitement for the idea. “Mm...I like the sound of that…” He growled low and deep, winking at Harley. 

Frost watched them for a moment, the two clowns staring at each other with that heated gaze that he recognized. That gaze usually meant the night’s activities were over because Boss and Miss Quinn were about to attack each other, but just as he was ready to start herding the hench people out of the mall, Joker pressed his red lips together and hissed with a promise while reaching out to caress Harley’s cheek. “Later Harls.” 

Harley wrinkled her nose playfully at him and licked her lips. “I’ll put a pin in that, you naughty boy.” 

Joker snickered before he turned and put an arm back around Willard’s shoulders after turning the unmoving man around. “All right boys and girls, now that the floor show is over…” He glanced over his shoulder. “Bob, be a dear and put Santa back on his throne until we’re ready to see him.” 

Bob nodded his head, walking away to deposit Santa while Joker steered Willard, with Harley taking up a position on Joker’s other side. 

“To the rides!!” Joker announced with a laugh, grabbing Harley’s hand with his free hand before they started to skip to the coin rides. 

* 

A few moments later the entire gang was surrounding a set of coin operated vehicles that were positioned just inside the Santa’s village area. They had brought all the workers in Santa’s Village, minus Santa. (Joker had sent over Archie to keep an eye on Santa to make sure the jolly old elf didn’t figure out how to untie himself until they were ready.) The rides consisted of a couple of race cars, a motorcycle, a rocking horse, a police car, an airplane, a couple of reindeer (which looked fairly new), Santa’s sled, and a Jurassic Park jeep. 

Joker clapped his hands together as he surveyed the vehicles. “Oh Harley, this looks fun!” 

“Which one we gonna try first puddin?” Harley asked with excitement. 

“Mmmm...the Santa’s sled has got to be the best one, but we should save that for last. Although sometimes I like my dessert first...Nope.” He grinned at Harley. “The race cars! When I was a wee little clown, I wanted to be a race car driver until that one day when I crashed into the back of a garbage truck.” He shook his head. “Remember that Todd?” Joker looked around at the hench people, clearly searching for the mysterious Todd. “Where’s Todd?” 

Harley frowned. “Not sure who Todd is puddin, but Toby was in the car with you that time you crashed it into the trash truck. I remember because I was in the car with Frost and Toby’s head flew off and hit our windshield.” 

“Who’s Toby? And Todd’s dead? That’s a shame, though he never was really good about wearing his seatbelt.” Joker shook his head before completely dismissing the story. 

Instead he turned his attention to Willard and put his hand out. “Coins Will-ard. Anyone else who has coins, cough em up! Frost, can you collect my darling?” 

“On it Boss.” Frost began walking among the henchpeople and the Santa’s Village employees, gathering a tidy collection of quarters along with the couple of dollars worth from Willard. He also added at least three dollars of quarters from a coin purse he carried with him. 

Walking back to the Boss and Miss Quinn, Frost handed the quarters to the tall clown. “Here ya go Boss.” 

Joker giggled with pleasure. “Look at this Harley!! We’re rich! All right, everyone line up as I give out quarters, Harley and I call dibs on the race car!” 

Within minutes, everyone was either on a machine or waiting their turn, except for Archie who seemed to be in deep conversation with Santa, and Frost who stood by watching. Even Willard had been put in the jeep with Nottie, the two of them sharing a pained expression. 

As coins were deposited into the rides, generic children's music began to play from each of the plastic, coin-operated vehicles (except for the reindeer, Santa’s sled, and the Jurassic Park jeep which played Christmas music and the Jurassic Park theme). 

Bob sat on one of the reindeer, his vast size hiding the ride under him; the only way anyone could tell he was riding anything was the mechanical way Bob dipped forward and back, a happy silent grin on his cherubic face. 

Joker climbed into the tiny seat of the race car, his feet pressed up on either side of the steering wheel that he grabbed with a laugh as the headlights on the little car began to flash. His knees were up to his shoulders, but he didn’t seem to care as he laughed and twisted the steering wheel back and forth with the enthusiasm of a child as the car began to rock back and forth. Giggling, Harley clambered into the seat next to him. She stretched her legs out, crossing them at the ankle across the hood of the race car. 

Joker yelled with a laugh while the car moved forward and backwards, or rocked up and down, the headlights flashing. “Harley are the cops behind us!” Reaching down to one of the two buttons, one green, one red on the plastic dash, Joker pushed it, sounding a horn and yelled as if there was a crowd in the mall instead of being deserted. “Out of the shoppers!! Joker and Harley are coming through!!!” 

Harley twisted around in her seat to see that the coin operated police car was indeed set up behind them. The little plastic, mechanical car was occupied by a woman with orange hair who went by Spinny and a man with washed out blue hair who Harley thought might be Spinny’s boyfriend. She wasn’t really sure, but his name was Knob, a really unfortunate clown name, and that was about the extent of Harley’s knowledge about the two. The only reason she remembered their names at all was because the two of them had upset Joker a week or so ago after they had gotten drunk and stolen one of Penguin’s penguins that the tuxedo wearing criminal liked to keep as pets, and brought it into the hideout where the stupid thing had shit on everything! 

Bob rescued the poor thing and returned it to Penguin. 

Ever since then Knob and Spinny had been on Joker’s short list; Harley was surprised nothing had happened to the two clowns yet...they were in a police car however... 

The police car was moving in a similar fashion to the race car that Harley and Joker were in, with headlights that lit up and a tiny police siren on the hood that flashed red while making siren sounds, she guessed, from a button inside because it looked like Spinny kept pushing something. 

“Yes puddin!! The dirty cops are right on our tails!” Spinning back around Harley giggled, her eyes flashing with manic glee as she grabbed Joker’s shoulder and shook him. “Drive faster puddin!!” 

“I’m on it pumpkin!!” Joker shouted, spinning the plastic wheel frantically with a laugh while the car dipped forward and back. He honked the horn occasionally while he pretended to drive yelling at nonexistent traffic. “Get out of the way!!!” He snickered and honked his horn. 

Turning around Harley squealed in fake panic. “Puddin!! They're getting closer!!!” 

Joker muttered a curse spinning his wheel. “Snowballs!” He pulled his gun and turned in his seat to start shooting over his shoulder like he was really in a chase. 

The shots echoed loudly in the deserted mall. The bullets mostly went wild with a few embedding into the plastic rides. 

Nottie screamed, throwing herself out of the jeep and to the floor. Willard didn’t move. The other Santa’s Village employees all dropped to the floor and screamed while the other henchpeople either ducked down or completely ignored the sounds of gunfire. Spinny and Knob seemed oblivious to the fact that they were the ones being shot at by Joker. 

Frost started when Joker started shooting, but otherwise he didn’t move even though he figured someone was going to get killed. 

Bob continued to ride his reindeer, smiling as if nothing had happened. 

“Oh no! They’re gaining on us Puddin!!” Harley squealed, smacking her hands against her cheeks dramatically and giving her puddin a comical scared expression. 

“I’ll save us!! NO one is taking us to Arkham on Christmas Eve!!” Joker yelled, turning again and shooting. This time he aimed, staring down the barrel of his gun, a wide grin on his cranberry red lips. “Pop…” he said with a snicker. 

The bullet hit Knob right in the middle of his forehead. 

Harley burst out laughing as Knob’s head jerked back, a blast of blood and brains sprayed the back of the plastic police car. 

Spinny screamed as blood splattered along the side of her face. “What the fuck?!” 

“Language!! This is a kid’s show!!” Harley yelled out, surprising Joker as she reached down between her breasts and pulled out a little Heckler and Koch VP70Z from her cleavage with a devilish twinkle in her blue eyes. Joker gasped, then smirked, his eyes bright with desire when Harley surprised him by pulling the gun from her cleavage. She winked at him before turning to aim. Joker felt certain he had never been turned on as much as he was at this very moment. His member hardened enough to force him to shift his position on the hard plastic seat and his erection throbbed in protest. (He hadn’t even known his wife was armed, which made the surprise of her pulling a gun all the better!) Sucking in his bottom lip, his eyes wide with excitement and lust, Joker watched as Harley shot, spinning around to look, his smile wide and manic as Spinny was hit in the throat. 

The woman jerked, looking comically surprised for a moment, her mouth open, eyes wide. He reached up to touch her throat, her mouth moving up and down as blood leaked thick and bright from her neck and mouth. She did this for a few long seconds before she finally realized she was supposed to be dead and fell backwards, toppling out of the police car. 

“Oh, what a nice shade of Christmas red!” Joker pronounced at the bright sight before putting his gun away and spinning the wheel around just as the ride began to wind down, giggling the entire time. 

Frost took a deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly before a barely perceptible frown formed on his face. 

Joker threw his arms up and cheered loudly. “We won Harley!! We got away from the cops!! WOOHOO!!” He jumped out of the race car, performing a spin that Prince would have been proud of, and stopped to face Harley, smiling wide. “We are the best!” he pronounced, making Harley laugh, who raced around the car to throw herself into her puddin’s arms. 

“You are the best!” she declared before covering his face in kisses. 

Joker laughed, looking pleased with himself as he held Harley and thoroughly enjoyed all her kisses. “Yes well, of course I am.” He chuckled again, wiggling a little. “All right Harls, that’s enough, time to try out Santa’s sled!” He released his hold on her, but Joker took Harley’s hand and started to skip over to the sled when he stopped, going very still, his eyes wide. “Harley, do you see what I see?” he asked, his voice breathless. 

Harley frowned looking in the direction Joker was staring only to see a train with six passenger carts large enough for children and families to sit in, up to three at a time per car, and a caboose that would hold one passenger, while the engine was large enough for two adults to sit inside. The train was painted in bright reds and greens with candy canes, Christmas trees and presents painted on the side. 

A Christmas Train! 

Joker ran over to the train, emitting a gasp with pleasure again while pulling Harley along with him. 

“It’s trackless!” he exclaimed loudly, turning to grin at Harley, his eyes bright like a giddy child’s. “Everyone on the train!!” 

Joker hurried over to the engine and climbed inside. Harley jumped in behind him, close enough that she could rub against his ass. 

While Joker was giving the controls a quick look over, Bob and Frost herded the rest of the hench people and the staff of Santa’s Village onto the train. Bob took up the caboose while Frost simply smiled and shook his head when Bob invited him silently onto the train. 

After a few seconds, Joker stood up grinning. “God I wish I had a conductor’s hat right now...anyway. EVERYONE ON BOARD THE CHRISTMAS EXPRESS!!! The Joker and Harley Quinn engine is leaving the station!!” With a wild laugh, Joker started the engine. The little train came to life with a little train whistle toot, loud train engine sound (clearly a recording), and a puff smoke from the engine’s fake smoke stack. Joker hit the controls and the train began to move slowly along the smooth mall flooring. From speakers inside the engine, Christmas music began to play, “Jingle Bells.” 

Everyone on board cheered as the train moved. 

* 

After several long minutes it became apparent that the train was never going to go faster than four to five miles an hour. Joker slumped as if he’d been shot against the engine’s steering wheel, his arms dangling down at his sides. 

“This is so boring!” he groaned loudly. “Make it stop Harley…” He whined acting like he couldn’t move because he was so disappointed. 

Harley frowned, rubbing her hand along Joker’s back and keeping an eye that he didn’t steer them into a glass door or any of the other many obstacles in the mall while he laid against the controls not looking, the train crookedly meandering along. While she was rubbing his back Harley turned around toward the passengers cars. “Hey, anyone know how to give this engine some getupandgo?” She called out. 

It was quiet for a few seconds before one of the hench people, a clown with a pink and blue painted face and dyed mango colored hair named Mingo, raised his hand. “Uh...yeah, I used to be one of the train drivers here. I got fired for racing the train in the mall after hours, so yeah, I know how to make it go faster.” 

Harley grinned. “Great!” She turned to kiss Joker’s back. “See there puddin, we got someone who can make the train go faster.” 

Joker’s voice was muffled against the engine and the steering wheel where he laid sprawled. “Are you sure, because this is going to spoil my Christmas mood,” he muttered. 

“I’m sure puddin, so let’s turn the train off and let Mingo take a look,” Harley coaxed, continuing to rub his back. “Who’s Mingo?” Joker asked sullenly. 

“Nevermind puddin, just turn the train off.” Harley kissed his back again. “Let Mingo fix it.” 

Joker finally sat up taking the controls and turning the train to the side just before they were about to hit a kiosk between an Old Navy and a Planet Fitness. “Okay--fine.” He pouted and hopped out of the engine, crossing his arms over his chest and looking just a little sullen as he went to lean against one of the mall’s pillars holding up the stairs to the second level. Harley got out more slowly, puffing out her skirts before she headed over to put her arms around Joker’s waist just as Mingo came up to the engine, looking nervous. 

He gave a weak smile to Joker and Harley before climbing into the engine and crouched down. His voice could be heard, slightly muffled, as he spoke out loud. “Most of these small trains have a gauge or handle down at the foot of the engine that can be adjusted to get up to about twelve miles an hour…” There was a hard metal sounding clunk and Mingo popped up again, grinning. “There you go, Mr. Joker sir.” 

Joker, who had wrapped his arms around Harley and was resting his chin on the top of her head, looked at Mingo with narrowed eyes. “You better be telling the truth.” 

“I am!” Mingo hopped out of the engine and crossed his chest with his fingers. “Swear to God.” 

Joker grinned leaning back to look at Harley, smiling once more. “Hear that sweets? Let’s go, our speed train awaits!” He kissed her on the nose and hurried back to the train, once more taking Harley’s hand and dragging her along. They both giggled while Mingo hurried back to the train car he’d been riding in. 

Joker started the engine with a grin and hit the start. This time the engine jumped forward with a lurch and started to chug along at a brisker pace. 

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!!” Joker yelled with a wide grin as he urged the train up to a dangerous speed. 

Harley laughed out loud throwing her arms into the air and leaning back. 

“Woohoo!!!” she yelled into the mall, the sound of her cheer echoing everywhere. 

Joker began taking the turns in the mall as fast as he could, whipping the train engine and its cars around, causing everyone in the back to yell, a mixture of fun laughter and panicked screams. 

Every time Joker took a turn too fast, it made the train cars rock dangerously back and forth. 

They were just making their fourth round of the lower floor, Joker weaving the train through the kiosks that were littered throughout the mall at his new speed like he was in the Indy 500. Each time they weaved around a kiosk, the rear cars swung out and bumped the kiosks. All the passengers screamed whether they were Santa’s workers or hench people (except for Bob who did as Harley had done and threw his arms up like he was on a rollercoaster) knocking the kiosk cart over with a loud crash. 

Harley laughed, looking behind her to see the contents, which were some sort of hair straightener and hair products, spilled everywhere. 

“That was a close one puddin!!” Harley giggled wrapping her arms around his waist and hugging him from behind. 

Joker’s wide grin never faltered as he looked over his shoulder at her. “Don’t worry my pumpkin pie! Your puddin is an ace driver of trains!!” He weaved around another kiosk coming way too close and nearly hit the fountain in the middle of the mall for the third time as he spun them around it. “You know sweets…” Joker leaned back, glancing over his shoulder at her before turning his attention back to his driving. “...I wish we had some horses, we could play train robbers!!” He turned back around, giggling with the idea. “Can you imagine riding horses in the mall?” 

Harley laughed, but shook her head. “Puddin, I swear you would not like riding a horse and you’d end up smelling like a horse too.” 

Joker frowned before smiling again. “We need scooters! Now that would be fun.” 

Laughing Harley hugged him again, pressing her cheek against his shoulder. “I think that would be so much fun puddin!” 

Joker grinned tucking that thought away to think over later. Right now he wanted to see how fast he could take that corner up ahead. 

They were heading in the direction of the Gotham mall’s more expensive shops, places such as Abercrombie & Fitch, Gucci, and Louis Vuitton. Harley’s expression went from one of pleasure to disgust. She had been in these stores with Ivy once when they were both pretending to be normal when they had been shopping for shoes. The store clerks had treated them like crap, worse than crap--like ultra-crap! 

Without thinking, Harley pulled out her gun again and fired at Gucci as they drove by shattering the glass display windows and once more causing a lot of screaming from the train’s passengers. Joker looked over his shoulder at Harley. “Gucci do something to you sweets?” 

Harley shrugged, her gun still in her hand. “They have very bad customer service,” she said primly. 

Joker laughed spinning the wheel of the train, going too quickly around the next corner, and Harley felt as if the train tilted. Taking the corner at full speed, Joker cut it close. The engine tilted, two wheels coming up off the floor, threatening to drop the entire engine on it’s side. 

Joker yelled, leaning his body while turning the engine wheel. “Harley!! Tilt the other way!!” 

Grabbing a hold of Joker’s shoulders, Harley threw all her weight to the same side as Joker, away from the direction of the tilt, laughing. “This is like out of a cartoon puddin!!” 

Joker laughed as he spun the wheel. The train came around the corner too close and too fast, one of the back carts hit the corner hard enough that the impact knocked the rest of the train wide. 

The cars all were thrown out like a whip, tilting as they were flung to the side while the engine kept going forward. The tilting made everyone in the cars scream again. 

Harley spun around when something jerked the engine hard, nearly knocking her out. Holding onto the side of the engine, she turned just in time to see the metal couplings that held the train cars to the little engine snap with a loud pop. The train cars slid across the slick mall floor with nothing to stop them or provide any drag. The set of six cars and caboose flung out in the opposite direction that Joker was driving, and before Harley could say anything to Joker, she watched as some of the cars began to tip up on their sides, some people were throwing themselves out of the cars while others hung on. The cars and people all crashed into one of the large glass display windows of an Abercrombie and Fitch. Everyone inside the cars (except Bob who had his arms in the air grinning as he waved them back and forth before he jumped from the caboose in one graceful leap at the last moment just before the train cars and caboose hit the display window), screamed as the train cars tilted onto their side before slamming into the glass. 

The sound of the glass breaking made Harley think of tinkling snowflakes. 

Joker hit the brakes hard when he heard the crash--a little too hard. The train engine, now not held back by the weight of the attached cars, drifted to the side, the wheels making a terrible combination of a squeal and a whine against the polished floors. 

Harley let out a yelp more of surprise than fear, wrapping her arms around Joker from behind while he struggled for a few seconds to get the train under control, but after a few tense seconds where it looked like they might be crashing into The Gap, the side of the train hit the wall with mild jolt and he stopped. 

With pleasure in his tone, Joker murmured. “Smooth…” 

Releasing her puddin slowly, Harley turned to look around. Not too far from them were the overturned cars from the train, as well as a knocked over jewelry kiosk. One of the benches had been hit, the fake wooden looking plastic cracked, there was an overturned trash can, and of course, the shattered glass of the shop. 

Mixed with the sound of the Christmas tunes coming from the train, was the sound of some of the passengers whining. 

Joker hopped out, turning around to grab Harley by her waist and lift her out of the engine. 

“Well that was fun!” he announced as he set Harley on her feet. 

Giggling, Harley wrapped her arms around Joker’ shoulders and rubbed her nose against his long, aristocratic pale nose. “It was fun puddin!” Harley kissed him quickly. “We should get one for the hideout, one that goes even faster. We could put your face on the front, I know how you love that.” 

Joker grinned with pleasure before he used the tip of his tongue to explore Harley’s upper lip and made her shiver. “Mm, you are always reading my mind poo.” Their moment was interrupted by someone shouting. “Oh fuck man, Jimmy’s dead! So is Milly!!” 

“I suppose we should go see how everyone is,” Joker said with one eyebrow lifted. “I don’t even know who Jimmy and Sharon are...and I don’t appreciate everyone thinking I should know. Being the clown prince of crime doesn’t leave me a lot of time to mingle with the minions.” Joker pouted at Harley who walked over to stand in front of him, readjusting her hair. “Yet they expect me to know theirs names!” He looked frustrated. “What am I supposed to say to their parents? I really hate this part of being a boss.” Joker frowned mournfully. 

Harley simply chuckled at his theatrics and put her arm around his arm before she trotted him over to the scene of the accident. 

The sound of pounding feet joined the other sounds of yelling and screaming, as Frost came racing around the corner. He’d been following the sounds of breaking glass since the gunshots. When he saw the wreck, his eyes widened, his footsteps only slowing down when he saw that the Boss and Miss Quinn were all right, as was Bob. The important people were all right. 

The rest of the party didn’t look as well. 

Ignoring the crying, most of which was coming from the Santa staff, Frost approached. He noted that Norton had a broken leg; the man was lying on his back looking up at the mall skylight, his face pale with pain. Frost got a look at the man’s leg as he walked by, compound fracture. Ouch. Frost also noticed that it looked as if Junebug’s arm was broken, he could tell by the way she was holding it against her chest and the weird angle her wrist was pointed. Several other people were suffering from cuts and bruises, but what really drew Frost’s attention was a small trail of blood leading into the store. 

Frost followed the trail of blood into the shattered front windows of the Abercrombie and Fitch where he found the first victim, Donny, one of the gang, or at least Donny’s blood covered head resting at the feet of one of the store's many headless mannequins. He was just thinking that the Boss would find that funny when he heard Joker behind him exclaim with a laugh in his voice. “Now that is comedy!!” Joker giggled continuing. “I guess he thought the mannequin needed a head! That must have been a huge weight off his shoulders! That’s not how you get ahead in life! Too bad he wasn’t more headstrong! I guess he thought he’d get a head start on his shopping!” Joker was starting to lose control of his laughter, his eyes watering and he was wheezing with laughter every time he took a breath. “He’ll never get head and shoulders above anyone in the gang now!” 

Harley was giggling beside him as Joker bent over to grab his knees with laughter while she rubbed a hand over his back. “All right puddin, that’s enough. Breathe…” 

Joker laughed and tried to breathe. “Okay, okay…” He snickered and stood before whispering under his breath. “I guess he’ll beheading out of the gang now…” He laughed putting his arm around Harley’s waist leaning into her, grinning at her, his eyes bright with tears of laughter. His expression of merriment was too much for Harley and she started to laugh again. 

“Sorry, I just had to get one more in!” Joker giggled and wiped the tears from his eyes with his fingers before he took a deep, shaky breath. “Oh, that was hilarious, but…” He grinned at Harley waggling his eyebrows. “You know what time it is my sweet?” he asked as he turned them both around to head out of the store. 

Harley giggled, her arm around his waist, and tightening as she pulled Joker closer. “What time is it puddin?” she asked, allowing Joker to lead her from the store, stepping over shattered glass and wounded people. 

“I think it's time we all went to see Santa and make our Christmas wishes!!” Joker announced with a laugh, the dead goon nearly forgotten except for Joker hissing with laughter to Harley, indicating with a toss of his head. 

“I guess his wish might be for his head to be reattached.” He snickered, then sucked in a breath as he resisted getting lost in another bout of hysterical laughter. “Okay, okay that’s enough.” He waved his hand in an attempt to stop himself from laughing too much before he turned his attention to the remains of his gang and the captive Santa’s Village workers. 

“All right everyone, let’s go see Santa!!” 

Harley squealed. “Santa!!” 

Bob clapped his hands with excitement. 

Frost frowned at the head on the floor, before he shrugged. There wasn't much he could do for the headless man, so he followed the Boss and Miss Quinn, along with Bob and the rest of the gang back to Santa’s Village. 

He guessed it was time to see Santa Claus.


	3. Merry Christmas

Terry frowned, looking up at the clown standing beside his throne. The clown called himself Archie. Terry was still hogtied, leaning back on his arms and legs at an awkward angle on the throne. 

He’d lost feeling in his extremities a while ago. 

Archie had pulled out and lit a large cigar. “This, Santa…” Archie held out the cigar he had pulled from inside his costume and lit, the smoke weaving lazily up into the air. “...is called a PRESIDENTE cigar. It can come in lengths of up to 10 inches and ring gauges of 60 to 64.” Archie rolled the cigar between his fingers admiring the craftsmanship while Terry watched the end burn, mesmerized by the trail of smoke. 

“The Presidente is the largest of the standard cigar types, meant to be smoked over an hour or more. I’ve saved this baby for a year now. I only smoke it once in a while, but I definitely plan on smoking it the day I finally kill myself.” Archie grinned at Terry. “Tonight I’m smoking it because I’m always a little hopeful this is the day I die.” He stuck the cigar between his lips and took a deep pull on it, his expression of a man in ecstasy before he slowly let the smoke roll from his nostrils. 

“Now where was I? Oh yeah, the tenth time I tried to commit suicide I tied these cement blocks to my ankles…” Archie smiled at the recollection, but just before he could begin telling Terry another horror story, both he and the short clown saw the gang, headed by Joker and Harley, coming up the red carpeted lane toward them. 

“Looks like you’re on jolly man,” Archie said before patting Terry on the head. 

Joker had his arm around Harley’s waist as he led their group up the stairs. 

“Well Santa, we’ve come to sit on your lap and have our Christmas wishes heard!” Joker grinned, but then frowned as he looked at Santa, still hog-tied. “Well that just won’t do, we can’t sit on Santa’s lap like that!” He gestured at Santa. “Bob, be a dear and fix Santa up won't you?” 

Bob, with his Santa sack on his shoulder, came skipping up to Santa. He gently laid his sack aside and pulled out a meat cleaver seemingly from thin air. Terry’s eyes bugged at the sight of the shiny cleaver. “Wait...now w-wait…” He stuttered but the big man came over, gave him a jolly smile and started to quickly cut the ropes that bound Terry. The moment blood started to circulate again, Terry winced in pain. The big man in the tutu helped him straighten out his legs and even massaged his arms and legs until the pins and needles had passed. 

The big man patted Terry on the head and stepped back. 

“Ah, now there we go--Santa on his throne!” Joker threw his arms out in delight. “All right boys and girls, everyone line up to sit on Santa’s lap. Bob gets to go first while Harley and I’ll go last.” 

He motioned to the remaining gang members. “Chop chop people, it's’ Christmas eve and Santa’s a busy man.” 

The goons began to form a line. 

Watching the hench people line up like a proud father, holding onto the sides of his coat like he was holding on to suspenders, Joker chuckled. “Ah look at the children, mother. All ready to see Santa…” 

When Harley didn’t take his bait to say something funny, Joker glanced over to her only to find that she was gone. It took him a few seconds to find her, but he saw her looking around behind a Christmas tree, then looking behind a reindeer. Joker watched her with one green eyebrow raised in curiosity. 

Harley was searching for something. 

She had stepped away from Joker and started to look behind some of the Christmas decorations in her pursuit, popping behind the giant plastic candy canes, fake reindeer, and numerous other fake winter wonderland decorations. 

Joker frowned watching her ass she looked behind things, bending over, her skirt fluffing up to show off her gorgeous backside. Smirking, Joker watched her bend over behind a fake snowman, her rear in the air at a really delicious angle, the sort of angle where he could grab her hips and pull her against him while he plowed into her. Just the thought of being inside Harley, warm and wet, and slick, the sounds that accompanied fucking his wife, all combined to make his groin ache something terrible. He sucked in his bottom lip as a pulse of desire surged through him, hot and heavy. He wanted her so much; he put off having sex with her twice now and he was really beginning to feel the error of having waited, but...later he promised himself. He strolled over to her, his hand going under her skirts to gently caress her ass. “Whatcha looking for pumpkin pie?” Joker leaned over trying to see whatever it was Harley was looking for while giving her ass a quick squeeze. Harley yelped, jumping a good half foot in the air before spinning around. “Puddin! God you scared me!” She put her hand to her chest as if trying to keep her heart from leaping out. 

Joker only chuckled lightly, reaching around to pat her bottom. “So, whatcha looking for?” he asked again. 

“The snow machine. All of this fake snow had to come from somewhere.” Harley looked around, biting her bottom lip in frustration. 

Joker gasped in surprise. “A snow machine!! Oh Harley, we have to find it and take it home!!” He clapped his hands in excitement and called out to Frost. “Frost! Find out where the snow machine is!” 

Frost, who had moved to flank the other side of Santa’s throne opposite Archie, glanced down at Santa. “You know where the snow machine is?” 

Terry looked up at Frost, terror in his eyes. “No I don’t, but I think Sebastian does.” 

“Who’s Sebastian?” Frost asked, but it was Jody who raised her hand like she was in some sort of twisted classroom. 

Joker pointed at her. “Yes, good elf, what do you know of the snow machine and Sebastian?” he asked as if he was a professor at Gotham University. 

“Ah, he’s the photographer, the guy who takes and prints the photos with Santa,” Jody said quickly. Now that Joker’s full attention was on her again, she wanted to throw up and while she hated to throw Sebastian under the bus like this, the photographer did know where the snow machine was because he was the only one allowed to operate it. “Well, I don’t know actually. He was here with the rest of us until you showed up...Joker...uh, sir...” She fumbled the last bit, suddenly terrified of offending Joker or Harley Quinn. 

Reba volunteered, without raising her hand like Jody. “Last place I saw him was inside the workshop.” She pointed to a little house, nestled among some candy canes and a tall, plastic peppermint stick. The house was painted in reds and greens, with some fake candy decorations and a sign hanging over the little wooden door that read ELVES WORKSHOP in big bold red and green letters. 

“There’s a computer inside that’s used for printing the pictures so that the parents can have one to frame or we have an ornament they can make using the photos, depending on the package they purchase,” Reba added helpfully while wondering why she was running off at the mouth. 

Luckily for Reba, Joker had turned his attention to his wife. 

He grinned at Harley with a wicked gleam in his blue eyes. “Poo, shall we go investigate the elves’ workshop?” 

“Yes!” Harley giggled and grabbed Joker’s hand. Joker grinned wrinkling his nose at her before bringing her hand up to kiss her knuckles. “Come my naughty little elf…” 

Everyone watched as Joker and Harley, hand in hand, skipped up to the door as if they were simply a couple of Christmas carolers coming to bring some Christmas spirit. 

When they arrived at the little house, Joker leaned his ear against the door and listened, his blue eyes wide as he glanced heavensward. “Not a sound Harley. Do you think the elves might be sleeping?” he asked with a chuckle in his voice before he knocked again. “Little elves, littles elves, let me in…” When nothing happened, Joker turned to look at Harley with a frown. “Harley, I think I’m going to have to blow their house in.” 

Harley giggled and snuggled close to Joker as she whispered, “I think you are going to have to huff and puff puddin.” 

Joker nodded sagely. “Yes, I am. BOB!” Joker yelled explosively, causing everyone to jump except Harley and Bob. “I need the door opener!” 

Bob looked up from where he'd been playing on his phone while standing in line, his giant Santa size bag at his side by his feet. He looked over to where Joker and Harley were standing and grinned, nodding his understanding. Slipping his phone into a fanny pack he wore, hitting mostly by layers of tulle, Bob reached into his sack and pulled out a sawed-off double barrel shotgun and a couple of shotgun shells. 

With a cheerful look, Bob came prancing over to Joker and Harley while he loaded the shotgun. 

Harley giggled, putting her arms around one of Bob’s arms and hugging him. “Thank you Bob.” 

Joker grinned. “Yes, thank you Bob. If you wouldn’t mind?” 

Bob nodded holding up the gun and waited while Joker called out. “I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down!” 

Joker’s statement was followed quickly by the deafening sound of Bob firing off both heavy slugs from the shotgun. The shotgun blast nearly disintegrated the door knob and made the door swing open. From inside the little house came a series of high-pitched screams (joined by the screams of anyone unfamiliar with the sound of a shotgun blast reverberating in a deserted mall.) 

Giggling, Joker turned to Harley. “I think the little pigs are inside! Hear that squealing?” 

Harley laughed. “I do believe you are the correct puddin.” Harley hurried over to the door, the skirt of her dress bouncing as she lightly pushed the door the rest of the way open and looked inside. She could see that the shotgun blast had gone through the door, into some cheap plastic furniture and out the back of the house. The screaming inside had turned into a slobbering sounding whimpering. 

Harley poked her head in further looking around. The room looked gloomy except for the light pouring in through the holes left by the shotgun, but it didn’t take her long to find their missing elves. 

The two elves, both male and both dressed like elves just like the rest of the Santa Village staff, were cowering on the floor, their arms over their heads. Above them on a small table sat a laptop computer, and a printer along with piles of printer paper. 

Harley giggled. “Hello there Mr. Elves, Mistah J would like to see you now. I really recommend that you come out on your own and don’t make him come in after you or send me, Bob or Frost. He’ll be really upset if you do that.” She started to leave, then gasped poking her head back in. “Either one of you know where the snow machine is?” 

One of the men looked up, his eyes wide and bright with tears. “You promise he won’t kill us?” 

Harley nearly guffawed in laughter. “No, I can’t promise you that! Don’t be silly. Now get out here! Oh, and bring your camera photo-elf, because me and my puddin want a picture with Santa to hang in our hideout.” 

Popping her head back out of the doorway, Harley skipped over to Joker and threw herself into his waiting arms where he caught her and spun her around while kissing her. Making a soft growl of pleasure, Harley cupped the back of Joker’s head, her fingers sliding into his thick green hair, kissing him as if it was their last kiss. Joker growled in response and held onto her tighter, his tongue caressing hers. The kiss between them grew hungrier, both of them forgetting completely that they had an audience, or not caring. 

Frost frowned, not sure what he should do as Joker put Harley back on her feet, though he hadn’t stopped kissing her yet and his hands had gone under her dress. He glanced at Archie who was watching them, his cigar no longer smoking. He glanced back at Frost and shrugged. 

Reluctantly, Joker pulled away from Harley, thought his lips lingered on hers for a few more seconds. Neither one of them noticed the two men dressed as elves standing outside the workshop door, their hands on their heads, one of them having clearly wet himself. 

Tracing her cheek with his fingertips, Joker gazed with adoration into her eyes. 

“I know what I want for Christmas,” he purred, his fingers gliding over her bottom lip before he sighed and smiled. “All right.” He stepped back. “Time for Santa! Then…” He turned around, throwing his arms into the air. “Presents for everyone!!” 

All the hench people cheered. 

Bob clapped his hands and jumped up and down in little hops while Archie muttered to Frost. “Unless the clown is going to kill me, I don’t think I’m gonna like my gift.” 

Frost chuckled and shrugged. “Guess you’re gonna be disappointed Arch.” 

“Yeah, same every year,” the short clown muttered. 

* 

For the next several minutes the gang members walked up and sat on Santa’s lap, telling the less than jolly elf what they wanted from Christmas. The gift requests were a wide variety from wanting Santa to murder their siblings, to regular guns, and clothing. One asked for a tank, another goon had a very specific request for a replica of Wyatt Earp’s Colt .45-caliber revolver, and one hench person requested a cotton candy gun. While hench people sat on Santa’s lap and told him their Christmas wishes, Sebastian--a skinny, balding man--took their photos. Joker demanded ornaments be made from all the photos, which kept Elkin--a man as equally skinny as Sebastian, but with a head of full red hair--busy printing the photos and placing them into the plastic ornaments. 

Bob was the last in line (besides Joker and Harley while Frost declined.) The big man hurried excitedly up the steps to sit on Santa’s lap. 

Terry felt numb, literally and figuratively. His legs felt numb, slightly tingly before the big tutu wearing man sat down; now they were completely dead. If someone told him his legs were missing, Terry would not have been the least bit surprised. His mind was also numb; he figured it was because he had finally gone past that line of being terrified into being immune, numb, that nothing could scare him any longer. He was completely and utterly numb to tonight’s events. If the clowns decided to kill him, Terry figured he’d go into that big night with a dull sigh, not unlike the unhappy, suicidal clown with the cigar. 

Drawing Terry’s attention back to him, the big man made some motions with his hands while looking at Terry with a cheerful expression. If it wasn’t for the fact that the big guy clearly worked for Joker, Terry might have though the guy was sweet. 

“So what do you want little...ah...boy?” Terry asked in his best Santa voice, proud of himself that the quiver that had been there earlier was now completely gone from his voice. 

The big man signed for him, his large hands moving gracefully, leaving Terry confused, but the Joker, who was waiting his turn with Harley at his side to sit on Santa’s lap called out. “Bob says he wants a stuffed…” Joker bit his bottom lip as he studied the way the big man’s hands moved before he looked at Harley with a slight frown. “Does Bob want a stuffed blue and white elephant?” 

Harley nodded with a giggle. “Yep, that’s exactly it puddin.” 

Joker grinned turning back to Santa. “You heard the big guy--a blue and white stuffed elephant!” 

Giving Bob a weak smile, Terry asked. “Is a stuffed elephant what you want?” 

Bob nodded enthusiastically and clapped his hands, causing both Terry and the throne he sat on to jiggle dangerously. “Okay, okay, big guy…” Terry patted his back. “I’ll see what I can do…” 

Would this mountain of a man find him and kill him later if he didn’t get a stuffed blue and white elephant for Christmas, Terry wondered briefly. And if so, was there anything he could do about it? 

No, probably not, Terry’s numb brain told him. 

Bob hopped up, nearly toppling both Terry and the throne over in his enthusiasm. Grabbing the arms of the throne, Terry held on as the throne tipped back dangerously before righting itself. 

Joker smiled and took Harley’s hand as he placed one foot on the bottom step, turning to guide her along with him like a prince charming leading his princess into the palace. “Shall we my sweets?” he asked with a playful smirk on his red lips. 

Giggling Harley followed Joker up the stairs, her hand tightening in his just a little. “Yes we shall puddin,” Harley murmured in response. Joker was her prince charming, she didn’t care what anyone said. 

* 

Terry watched the clowns coming up the couple of steps toward him; his heart began hammering harder and heavier until his breathing turned to panting. Wondering briefly if he was going to have a heart attack, Terry had thought he was numb, but seeing the Joker and Harley Quinn walking toward him had all the feeling--and none of it pleasant--returning to him in a rush. 

Terry felt sure he was going to lose his control of his bladder when Joker grinned at him, turned around, and sat down on his knee. This close ,Terry realized that the Joker actually smelled good, like vanilla and spice. He wasn’t sure why, but the fact that the Joker smelled nice came as a surprise. 

Once Joker was seated on his lap, the clown pulled Harley Quinn with him, seating her on his own lap so that Terry was forced to hold Joker and Harley’s entire weight on his one knee, but after the tutu wearing clown, the two of them felt as if they weighed virtually nothing at all. 

Terry also noticed that Harley smelled just as good as Joker, another combination of vanilla and something sweeter, like candy. He wasn’t sure why he thought they would smell funny, like the sewer or something, but if he lived through this, he’d always remember the two clowns smelled delicious. 

Harley giggled when she sat on Joker’s lap, wigging her rear a little and making Joker grunt before she wrapped her arms around Joker’s shoulders. 

“So what are you going to ask Santa for puddin?” she asked with a tilt of her head. 

“Mm...I don’t know sweets.” Joker tapped his chin with a finger. “I like the guns I have, happy with my knives, Gotham is my playground, Arkham is a nice vacation, I don’t care about money, Batman is my buddy, and I have the sexiest little harlequin as my wife. I don’t think there is anything I really want…” His voice trailed off as he looked up in thought trying to think of something to ask for. Harley decided to help him think by nibbling on his ear, which only caused him to giggle. 

Terry felt like he was the third wheel on some really messed up date. 

“Oh, I know!!” Joker gasped. “I want everyone to get the joke.” He snickered. “Now that would be funny! So…” Joker reached up and ran his fingers along the top of her breasts. “So my little scrumptious cupcake, what do you want for Christmas?” 

Harley smiled sweetly, running a finger along the bridge of Joker’s sharply pointed nose with an ever so slight bump in it that she adored, her finger continued down to brush over his lips. 

“Well, I have everything I really want too, puddin.” She traced his lips with her finger, her eyes gliding over his bright red lips. “There isn’t anything that Santa could bring me, but I would like…” 

She dropped her voice to a low seductive whisper, her gaze meeting his eyes and holding him there. “...for you to take me home and fuck me silly.” She giggled softly, licking the tip of his nose. 

“I want your cock for Christmas, puddin.” She growled deep in her throat, which made Joker’s building erection jerk in response. 

Joker’s eyebrows climbed up his forehead, his blue eyes sparkling with pleasure. 

“Oh, that’s what I want for Christmas instead!” He turned his gaze to Santa, putting his hand into the air like a kid waiting for the teacher to call on them. “Okay I changed my mind, I want to fuck Harley silly for Christmas!” Joker declared loudly. “And because Christmas is the season of giving, I’m going to give her my cock just like she asked.” He grinned brightly. “I'm a very giving individual, after all.” 

Harley giggled, her cheeks rosy. 

Frost closed his eyes and shook his head. They’d come all the way out here to see a Santa just for...Whatever, he thought with an amused sigh. 

Archie simply grunted, while Terry looked confused and embarrassed. “Ah...uh...” Terry stuttered then shrugged. “Ah...okay. If you, uh, guys go home, I guess...you can...fuck?” At the last moment Terry added, his tone unsure. “Merry Christmas?” 

Joker laughed wiggling on Santa’s lap. “Thank you Santa!!” He kissed Terry on the cheek then adjusted his position on the man’s leg, his arms around Harley as he leaned affectionately against 

Santa and turned to look at the elf with the camera. “All right! Take the picture, my good elf!!” 

Sebastian swallowed as he held up his digital camera. “Okay, ah, smile and s-say Merry Christmas!” 

Joker motioned with one hand at Frost. “Get closer, you too Archie--and Bob come up here. I want you in our picture too! You guys are our family! Family photo time!” 

Frost smiled and stepped closer, as Archie did the same and Bob came racing up the stairs to stand behind the throne, smiling happily. 

Joker and Harley turned to the camera and smiled just as Sebastian took the picture. 

* 

“All right my darlings, time for prezzies!!” Joker announced loudly as he held Harley’s hand, leading her over to the benches where they had been making gingerbread houses earlier. Sebastian had just handed them their family photo (he’d even dug out a frame for it), along with Bob’s solo picture 

(the goons ornaments had been finished and loaded into a shopping bag that Archie was carrying over his shoulder.) 

Throwing a hand into the air like the ringmaster of a circus, Joker called out. “Bob, the bag!!” 

Bob hurried over to where he had left the giant Santa’s bag. The big man grabbed the bag up, tossing it over his shoulder before he hurried over to where Joker had led Harley and the rest of the gang. 

Joker motioned at Frost when he arrived at the benches. “Okay, this is a company only party so Santa, the elves, and all the animals need to leave.” 

Frost nodded, pulling out his gun and started gesturing at the Santa’s Village workers. “All right, you heard the Boss. Santa, elves, get your reindeer and get out.” 

The employees of Santa’s Village had all moved closer to Santa when the clowns headed over to the gingerbread area, gathering in a tight group as if hoping being closer together would give them some sort of protection, but when Joker called out that they could leave, none of them moved. Terry didn’t stand; his hands were gripping the arm of his throne until his knuckles were white, his eyes wide. Had he heard correctly? 

All the employees of Santa’s Village stood stone still as if everyone of them had turned into a statue. No one was sure if they had heard the Joker correctly and they were all afraid of being wrong. They were like deer caught in the glare of headlights, they simply couldn’t move. 

Joker had picked Harley up by her waist and set her on one of the tables, leaning in to kiss her, his hands still on her waist as he slid between her legs, which Harley wrapped around his waist while pulling him closer, her arms going around his shoulders. They began to kiss passionately, Joker’s hands sliding up from her waist to her breasts, his thumbs finding her nipples through her dress, slowly circling while he kissed her. Groaning against his mouth Harley tightened her thighs against his hips, her fingers sliding into his hair while they kissed deeper, their tongues twisting, and biting each others lips. 

Frost glanced over at the Boss and Miss Quinn before he gestured with his gun at the Santa’s Village employees. “All right, you all heard the Boss, out.” 

No one moved. 

Frost sighed. “Look, I don’t feel like shooting elves, or Santa, but if you don’t move…” 

As if they were some sort of hive mind, every one of them moved at once. Jody and Christa ran for their animals while the others sprinted into the mall, Frost assumed to the closest “employee exit” they could find. Within two minutes, everyone, including the animals were no longer in sight. 

Frost smiled, holstering his weapon before walking back. “Okay Boss, everyone’s gone.” 

Pulling reluctantly away from Harley, tugging her bottom lip with his teeth for just a moment, Joker sighed happily. “Mm…” He grinned at Harley who brushed the tip of her nose against his before he turned around. 

“Okie dokie, everyone line up. It’s time for presents, but no one is to open their gifts until I say so or you’re getting a bullet for Christmas!” Joker announced before putting his hand out to Bob. “Bob, the presents!” 

One by one Bob handed Joker a box about the size of his hand. The boxes were wrapped in green and purple striped paper and tied with checkered black and red ribbon. After they were done handing out boxes to each of the hench people, Joker handed two boxes to Frost, both of which were much bigger than any given to the gang members and wrapped in different paper. 

“One is for you and the other is for Ecco,” Harley told him with a grin. 

Frost looked surprised. “Aw, thank you.” 

Next Joker handed one to Archie. “Now I know this isn’t what you want exactly, but I think you’ll have fun with it.” 

Archie looked down at the box which was a long rectangular shape. “I’m sure I’ll hate it.” 

Laughing, Joker shook his head. “See, I don’t know how you can expect me to kill you when you say stuff like that!” Continuing to giggle, Joker reached into the now empty bag and pulled out the last box, a box the width of Bob’s chest and as long as his arm. “And this my dear Bob, is your gift!” 

Bob’s eyes widened in happy surprise. 

“All right everyone, Harley and I are going home to indulge in our Christmas presents. The mall is yours, have a Christmas party! But wait until we’re gone to open your presents!” Joker laughed happily. “Frost, Archie, Bob, you’re with us. And Bob, grab the throne, I want it for the hideout!” He whispered to Harley. “It’s too nice to leave here don’t you think sweets?” 

Harley snickered. “Just what you need puddin, a throne.” 

“That’s what I thought.” He grinned at her. “Merry Christmas everyone!!!” Joker announced helping Harley off the table and taking her hand. 

The hench people were holding their gifts, or shaking them, but they all cheered for Joker and Harley as their Boss and Miss Quinn left, followed by Frost--who hefted the portable snow machine--and Archie and Bob. 

* 

Once Joker and Harley were gone, the gang began to dig into their gifts. The first one to get his open was a clown who called himself Dingo. Under the paper and ribbon was what looked like an old fashioned Jack-in-the-box, wooden, the sides carved and painted with card symbols, hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades, with smiling clown faces along the edges with a silver crank handle on the side. Frowning a little as he examined the box, Dingo began to twist the handle on the toy, the music, “Pop Goes the Weasel '' began to play cheerfully from the box, the sound like an old music box. While he was turning his, the other goons, who had all received the same gift, began to do the same. 

As the music came to an end, the lid popped open causing Dingo and the others to jump. A clown painted to resemble Joker, or Harley, depending on the box, popped from the top of the box. Dingo saw the clown and that there was something sticking out from the smiling mouth at the same time a bright purple gas was expelled from the mouth of the toy, blasting Dingo in the face. Letting out a startled yelp, Dingo dropped the box, staggered back a moment before his skin turned white, all the color draining from him until he was the same shade of ghost white as Joker. His lips turned a bloody red, his smile stretched painfully across his face until the sides of his lips tore, and blood began to dribble down his chin. This was followed by his eyes widening, bugging out of his skull with more blood dribbling down his cheeks from his eyes like bloody tears. But the worst part Dingo had time to realize as the pain began to overwhelm him, was the laughter that bubbled out of his own throat, a wild, hystertial sound that ripped at his throat, tearing at his vocal chords. Even as he clamped his hands over his mouth to stop the horrible sound, he knew he couldn’t halt the inevitable. 

Within seconds, every member of Joker’s gang that was in the mall succumbed to the same fate, all of them falling to the floor, bloody smiles stretched painfully across their faces, their eyes wide open, the shrill, hysterical laughter fading as each and every one of them died laughing. 

* 

Joker sighed happily as he relaxed in the back seat with Harley, Frost at the wheel driving them home. 

“It’ll be so nice to start fresh with the new year Harls.” Joker smiled, his arm resting across her shoulders as he pulled her closer. “It’s always good to start cleaning up the detritus.” 

Harley giggled snuggling. “Yeah. Besides, those goons were boring.” She kissed his chest, then asked softly. “Do you think Archie and Bob will like their gifts?” 

The two other clowns had taken one of the other SUVs they had arrived in. 

“Oh a mini guillotine? Why wouldn’t Archie love that?” Joker asked looking down at Harley where she snuggled against his chest, clearly perplexed why anyone wouldn’t love a toy guillotine with a real working blade. 

Nodding Harley giggled. “Bob is going to be so surprised when he sees the stuffed elephant!” 

Laughing Joker nodded, crossing his leg, resting his ankle against his knee while he tightened his hold on Harley. “Yep, another toy for his stuffed toy collection! He’ll love it.” 

Frost glanced in the rearview. “Boss, you care if I head over to Ecco’s after I drop you and Miss Quinn off and take that throne upstairs for you?” 

“Course not! It’s officially Christmas!!!” Joker laughed. “You two have fun!” 

“Do everything we would do!” Harley added, which made Joker laugh and Frost’s cheeks redden. 

* 

It was late. 

Joker finished washing his hands and face in the bathroom. He was wearing only a robe, having stripped while he was in there. He frowned at his reflection, running his fingers through his hair and smiled, showing all his teeth. He had another gift for Harley hidden under the bed, but right now he was planning on giving her the gift she’d asked Santa for. He examined his reflection again. 

The dark purple robe he wore stood out bright against his pale skin. 

He adjusted the robe, pulling it open a little more to show off his chest, a hint of his shoulders, then picked up the tube of lipstick he had sitting on the sink and reapplied the bright red color to his lips. Pressing his lips together, rubbing them to spread the color, he popped them and smiled. 

“Perfect,” he whispered before winking at himself. “You handsome devil.” 

With one final check, Joker exited the bathroom. “Harley! I’m….” 

He stopped short, the words dying on his tongue. 

He’d had Frost move Santa’s throne into the bedroom, setting it at the foot of the bed. But right now, on the throne, completely naked except for a red bow wrapped around her hips and hiding her sex, sat Harley. 

She had one leg up on one armrest of the throne, her arm resting against her raised knee while her other leg dangled off the front of the throne swinging softly. Her hair hung down, the soft blonde hair just brushing the tops of her breasts and enhancing the pink shade of her hard nipples. She had lit some candles to illuminate their room in a soft, buttery glow; a glow that danced across her creamy pale skin. 

Harley bit the side of her bottom lip as she smiled slowly and entranced him with a warm seductive purr. “Merry Christmas puddin, wanna open your present?” 

Joker sucked his bottom lip between his teeth as he gazed at her. 

“I’m the luckiest boy in Gotham…” he whispered as he walked close to her. “Even though I’ve been a real bad boy too.” 

Harley purred, dragging her teeth over her bottom lip, and smiled at him, her blue eyes dancing under her lashes. “Then you really deserve your present don’t you puddin?” 

Giggling softly, Joker came to stand in front of her and slowly lowered himself to his knees in front of her as Harley dropped her other leg. He reached out and gently tugged on the ribbon. The ribbon made a whisper of sound as he pulled it free, opening up to reveal Harley. 

Joker let out a gasp of surprise. Under the ribbon, Harley had shaved, but in place of the curling hair that usually adorned the top of her vagina, there was now a tiny gem studded red and green sparkling smiley face with “Ha Ha Ha” spelled out in green and purple gems each expertly glued in place. 

“Merry Christmas Mistah J,” Harley purred. 

Joker squealed happily. “Just what I wanted!” 

Giggling Harley spread her legs a little wider, licking her lips as she brushed her fingers over her breasts. “Then come and get it puddin.” 

Growling with want Joker kissed the inside of each of her thighs, nibbling lightly at the soft skin of her inner thighs, making his way down to her sex. Harley leaned back in the throne, her breath coming in slow pants as she watched him make his way down slowly until he glanced up at her with a smile. “You know why Santa’s bag is so big sweets?” 

Harley smiled reaching out to brush her fingers through his thick green hair. “Why puddin?” 

“Because he only comes once a year!” Joker grinned at her and Harley started to laugh, but her laughter swiftly turned into a gasp when she felt the warm slide of Joker’s tongue against her clitoris. 

“Uhh!” Harley gasped. Her hand in his hair grabbed a handful as she jerked, her hips thrust toward him in reaction to his tongue on her. Her head dropped back, her eyes closing. “Oh, puddin. Uh...yes...mmm.” 

Smiling Joker made a soft groan, his tongue sliding slowly along her clitoris while his hands gently caressed her thighs, moving up and down along the top of her thighs while his tongue searched out every sensitive spot, every millimeter that made Harley jerk and cry out. He traced the initmate layers of her sex, the tip of his tongue sliding along the warm folds until Harley vibrated, jerking with each stroke of his tongue. He circled her clitoris with the tip of his tongue and smiled when she shivered, feeling the goosebump spring to life on her skin before he pressed his lips to her. He gently sucked on the sensitive pink bud of her clitoris, slow, easy sucks that had Harley gasping for air before he turned the gesture into a sweet kiss. Joker used his entire mouth to kiss her, his tongue moving over her clitoris and the soft surrounding flesh, circling his tongue slowly, intent on layering on the sensations until he heard his wife scream. 

Panting for breath, Harley shuddered in delight. The sensations her puddin elicited in her made her feel out of control; her body was no longer hers, but belonged to Joker. Her husband played her like an instrument, knowing exactly how much pressure, strumming, and flicking to do. Harley reached forward and grabbed his hair with her other hand, trying to resist the urge to yank him closer, to bury his face in her, but she could feel an orgasm building in her groin until something snapped. Gasping out a cry, Harley’s hold on Joker’s hair tightened as waves of heated pleasure pulsed through her. 

Wrapping his arms under her legs, Joker hauled Harley to the very edge of the throne, pressing his mouth more firmly against her when she climaxed so he could taste her pleasure. He never sped up his licks and sucking; he was keeping his attentions deliberately slow because he knew that drove Harley up a wall. He smiled as he flicked and prodded his long tongue inside her a few times before focusing his attention back on her clitoris. This time when he sucked tenderly at her, Harley let out a cry of release almost immediately that he felt race through him until his erection throbbed with want. 

Pulling her closer, Joker licked and sucked softly, tasting her pleasure with a growl, burying his mouth against her sex until Harley was gasping on another orgasm. She pulled a little harder on his hair, hard enough that he winced just a little, but he enjoyed the feeling, knowing how he made his Harley feel. He continued for another handful of seconds, enjoying the taste and scent of her before he finally raised his head to smirk at his wife, his lips wet and glistening with her fluids. 

“Mm...best Christmas present ever.” He chuckled, kissing one of the bedazzled smiles on her groin. 

Harley looked down at him, her skin flushed a rosy color, her eyes bright and sparkling with her pleasure. 

“I’m glad you liked it. I thought long and hard about what to get you.” She giggled brightly. 

“I think…” Joker kissed her sex, which caused Harley to make a low, soft moan.. “...that…” He kissed her sex again. “...it’s my turn…” Another sweet kiss. “...to sit on the throne…” He gave her a slow lick with a flick of his tongue to punctuate his statement. 

The lick and gentle flick of his wicked tongue made Harley shudder and gasp as he continued to whisper, his hot breath caressing the swollen, wet clitoris.. “And you…” He dragged his tongue against her again, causing Harley to groan loudly. “...need to sit on my lap.” He finished using the tip of his tongue to tease her clitoris once more until Harley was sure she was going to melt into a quivering mess of happiness. 

He was so good with his tongue she thought with a swell of love and lust that Harley felt rush over every inch of her body. 

Loosening her grip on his hair, Harley instead stroked her fingers slowly through the thick, green curls. “Mmm...well, I suppose I could give up my throne.” 

Joker's smile and eyes widened with mischief. “Your throne?” 

“Yep, mine.” Harley wrinkled her nose at him. 

Releasing her, Joker stood up and untied his robe, letting it fall to the floor while Harley watched, already aching to have him inside her. She ran her tongue over her lips, gazing at him. His white skin glowed in the candlelight, her perfect, beautiful Joker. She hopped up from the throne with a giggle and bowed toward it. 

“Your seat Mistah J.” 

Joker chuckled and sat down, his legs spread and his erection ready. He laid his hands along the arm rests grinning. “It’s good to be king.” 

Harley smiled as she stepped closer to him. “Yes, but it's even better to be the queen.” 

Watching her with anticipation, Joker didn’t reach for her, instead waiting to see what Harley would do. She stepped closer, dragging her fingers along the side of his erection. Joker sucked in a breath, a shudder running through his body at her touch. Smirking at him, Harley placed her hands on his knees and brought his legs together. He lifted a green brow at her in question, but she only smiled. Once his legs were together, instead of facing him and straddling him, Harley spun around. Joker’s eyes widened for just a moment at the sight of her perfect backside; his girl had a perfectly rounded peach of an ass, he thought with a grin. When Harley backed onto his lap, straddling him as she gently guided herself down on his erection, Joker let out a delighted gasp, his eyes rolling back for a moment with pleasure, feeling the warm and dripping wetness of her surrounding his cock. He hissed through his teeth, his hold on the armrests of the chair tightening for a second as he struggled to control himself. Squeezing his eyes shut for a beat, Joker transferred his hold from the arm rests to Harley’s hips, holding her down on him to prevent her from moving for a few seconds while he gathered himself. 

“Fuck Harley…” he hissed with a wide grin. “...you feel fantastic!” He ran his hands over her hips, up her back, admiring her ass only to groan when she lifted up, then thrust back down on him. Sucking his bottom lip between his teeth, Joker groaned loudly. 

Giggling with pleasure and happiness, Harley grabbed the arm rests, glancing over her shoulder at him. “So do you puddin.” She moaned in response before she began to move using the armrests to lift herself, pulling up until he was just barely inside her, then plunging back down. 

The sensation of being plunged back into her caused Joker to thump his head back against the throne with a loud grunt. “Harley…” he pleaded with her, but she continued for a few more seconds, the slow, wet slide up and the hot wet plunge back down on his erection made his toes and fingers curl as he fought between wanting to cum and holding back. Once she was down again Harley squeezed and ground against him, twisted her ass back and forth, until Joker's grip on her hips was sure to leave light bruises. “Harley…” He said her name as a plea mixed with a gasp of erotic rapture. 

Harley had her eyes closed, her body shuddering each time she plunged herself back down on him feeling him deep inside her, penetrating deeply into her body. Pressing her toes against the floor, Harley rocked against him, biting her bottom lip as intense pulses of pleasure rolled through her. Joker switched his hands from her hips to her breasts, squeezing them before catching her nipples between his thumb and fingers, rolling her nipples and creating a new set of sensations that had Harley gasping loudly. 

Moving a little faster, Harley rocked and lifted. It felt incredible to have him inside her, her breath quickened as she continued to rock her hips, the knuckles of her hands on the armrests turned white as she held on tightly, her orgasm building, her breath and heart racing along with each of her movements until she felt an explosion of erotic sensation. 

She let out a cry, arching her back and making Joker stiffen, holding on tight to her struggling against her orgasm until he was sure he would black out with the effort of holding back, but that was all he could take. Even as Harley was still in the middle of her climactic high, he shoved her off of him and onto the floor. 

Harley yelped in surprise. “Puddin?” 

She hit the floor on her hands and knees with a surprise gasp at the same time her body mourned the loss of having his erection inside her. Just when she was thinking he was going to take her from behind, Joker guided her onto her back. 

She let out a laughing gasp when she rolled onto her back and Joker climbed on top of her. He loomed over her, his weight on his hands, his green hair falling around his face, and a beautiful wicked smile on his lips. 

“You have been such a naughty girl this year,” he purred, spreading her legs. 

Harley licked her lips reaching up to caress his shoulders. “You going to punish me?” 

Joker laughed. “Nope, it's Christmas my naughty girl. I’m going to give you…” He slid into her causing Harley to gasp. “...a present…” 

Moaning loudly, Harley grasped his shoulders as he began to pull back slowly, followed by a deep thrust. He thrust for a few seconds, keeping up the intense, deep thrusts until he finally dropped to his elbows, his fingers sliding into her blonde hair. His gaze upon her looked intense, his eyes moving over her face even as he plunged into her. 

“I love you,” he groaned before kissing her, his thrusting becoming a little slower, somehow deeper, more penetrating. Harley wrapped her arms around him, her legs wrapped around the back of his, thrusting up to meet him, kissing him with a desperation that welled up in her chest and made her eyes sting with tears. She wanted him to feel how much she loved him. Caressing his back, his shoulders, then up into his hair, she hissed between kisses. “I love you too puddin, I’ll always love you, forever.” 

Joker captured her mouth again with a groan, his thrusts becoming frantic and tense. Harley groaned loudly against his lips, holding onto him as together they raced for the peak where they burst together into a shared climax that rolled over them both like an unstoppable ocean wave. 

* 

Joker sighed happily reached over to flick ashes into the ashtray that sat on his bedside table. Harley was curled against his side, lazily running the tips of her fingers along his hairless chest while they watched the early morning local news. 

“Eight bodies were discovered this morning after several employees from Santa’s Village at the Diamond Center One Mall in Gotham, reported to have been held captive on Christmas eve inside the mall by the Joker and Harley Quinn. All of the victims had succumbed to Joker gas. At this time the victims have not been identified, but one local police officer, off the record, reported that he believed the victims might have been part of the Joker’s and Harley Quinn’s gang. We’ll be bringing you more information as it becomes available. This was the first time in five years that Santa's Village had returned to the mall after another attack by the Joker and Harley Quinn.” 

Holding his cigarette between his teeth, Joker picked up the remote from where it rested on the blanket over his legs and flicked off the television. 

“That was such a perfect gift to leave Batman,” he mused with a grin. 

Harley giggled with a nod, then whispered, kissing his bare chest. “I do have another gift for you.” 

Joker looked down at her amused. “I don’t know if anything can top the little jeweled smiles around your little honey oven.” He waggled his eyebrows at her causing Harley to blush and laugh. 

She playfully smacked his chest as she sat up. “Hold on.” 

Joker watched her as she leaned over on her side of the bed and pulled out a tiny package wrapped in red and black paper and ribbons. “Here.” She handed the gift to him. He grinned, pleased to receive a gift from his naked wife. 

He shook the box, held it up to his ear. “Now what could this be…” He grinned at her, his blue eyes dancing. 

Harley giggled poking him. “Just open it.” 

Joker put his cigarette out and proceeded to rip into the paper and opened the little box. Joker gasped out loud when he saw what was in the box. Inside, nestled in a bed of purple velvet was a silver tie pin shaped like a letter J, adorned with emeralds and purple amethyst. Harley pointed at the pin. “I took apart those jewels we stole a month or so ago and with Bob’s help, I made this for you,” she said softly then asked, her eyes worried. “Do you like it?” 

“Oh pumpkin poo!! I love it!!” Joker smiled brightly wrapping his arms around her and kissed her tenderly. “It’s beautiful and perfect. Now--my turn.” He waggled his eyebrows at her, setting the pin back in its box which he rested on his lap. He leaned over with one hand feeling around until he found what he was looking for, and pulled his own tiny box out from under the bed wrapped in purple paper with a green box. 

Harley squealed with delight, taking the box and opening it quickly. Inside was a pair of teardrop earrings, one was made from rubies, the other made from black onyx. 

“Oh puddin!!” Harley gasped looking from earrings to him. “They are beautiful!!” 

Joker chuckled, taking the earrings from the box and gently reaching out to put them in her ears for her. “I used the same jewelry from the ones we stole a month ago and with Bob’s help…” He grinned. “I made you these…” He finished putting them in Harley’s ears and smiled, admiring how beautiful they looked on his girl. “Not as beautiful as you, but I like how they look.” 

Harley giggled reaching up to touch the earrings. “I love them puddin thank you.” 

Joker set the box with his tie pin on the bedside table and held his arms open. Harley happily wrapped her arms around his middle and snuggled close while Joker wrapped his arms around her. “I love you pumpkin--Merry Christmas.” 

Harley closed her eyes pressing her lips against his skin and whispered back. “I love you too puddin--Merry Christmas.”


End file.
